Letting go

6 months old.

Silly me. I thought those months and years would be the hardest. They certainly feel like they will never end when you are in the midst of it all.

Oh how a young mother spends so much time wishing away diapers, and sleepless nights, and longs for some free time of her own - and chance to sleep for 8 hours straight.

Ah - to have that worry back again.

Here now, I enter an entire new realm of parenting. Parenting the pre-teen. Letting go. Allowing them a little more length on that leash. Had I known how hard it would be - believe me I never would have spent one second wishing away babyhood - well I would have because I am human, but I made my point.

Today - K. is on her first trip, thankfully only for a day, with the youth group. Away in NJ. At a public beach, on the boardwalk - mostly on her own, let to her own devices - all day. I left her totally in the trust of adults other then J. or I - not just at pre-school or a playday, but AWAY , out of the state, hours away. In the water, without me watching over her to make sure Jaws isn't there somewhere, and to make sure she comes up every time she goes under the water. Applying her own sunscreen. In a huge public space. And - it is KILLING me. The scene was organized chaos when I left her this morning. But if you ask me, there weren't enough chaperones. But, none of the other parent's seem concerned. The youth group has organized this trip for years, without any trouble. So - I suck it up. I tell Kaite one more time to stay with the group, not to talk to anyone she doesn't know and to be careful in the water. (To which I get an "I know, Moooommmm, you've said it three times already.") I convince myself that I am just being over protective, and drive away.

Why is it so darn hard? Birds just push their young out of the nest. One big nudge and they are left to try to fly on their own! We protect our young for the first crucial years of their lives. We keep them away from danger. Wipe their faces. Pick them up when they fall down. Make sure they have everything when they leave for school in the morning. Feed them. Clothe them. Then one day we turn around and we are expected to let them just walk off and take care of themselves. I'll take a dirty diaper and sleepless night over this anyday!

But on the other hand - a point must be made for this being a healthy progression of the life cycle. As I was talking with a friend this weekend about her college graduated daughter getting her first job and living away - we make a point... they are just doing what they are supposed to be doing! Growing up, maturing - taking the wisdom, principles and education we have bestowed upon them and using them. Our entire mission when they are young is to raise healthy, happy, productive human beings who can contribute to society. Then, why I ask, is it so hard to let them do it? I am estatic that Kaite even wanted to go on this trip, considering her initial hesitation with even joining the youth group and doing activities without me there constantly. To go on this trip, is a HUGE step for her. But also one that makes a parent totally aware that she is going to leave this house some day. There are things that are going to happen to her that are totally out of my hands and control. What a challenge for a mother to accept. I want to stop every mature mother I pass and ask her how she did it!

Woah- (said in my best sea turtle voice) - A memory just came to me. I remember my parents dropping me off at college. When they left me at the dorm, my mom was chirpy and excited - talking about how proud she was of me, and how happy she was for me to get this opportunity and so on. I called soon after they got home to make sure they had gotten home ok. My dad answered the phone, and proceeded to tell me that my mom had started crying the minute they drove out the road and had still not stopped. At the time - I just rolled my eyes. But just now, this second, I get it. I was not supposed to know the reservations and fears she had in leaving me go, I was only supposed to feel the encouragement and the pride. She must have been so torn apart that day.

So - K. will never know how I felt today. I will tell her I missed her (I want her to know that) and I am so proud of her for doing well. Then proceed to casually grill her for as much information as possible - a mother has to have her fun ya know!

I guess I have to lengthen the leash, ready or not - but I don't have to unclip it yet. And I am sure any of those mature mothers that I stop to ask how they did it, will tell me it was hard, but worth it, and they are now sitting back enjoying watching their children do what they are supposed to do.