First of all, I can not look at this photo without smiling inside at the memory of the moment it was taken. We had traveled to the beach that year with a friend of mine from work. Loree, was silly and fun, and slightly dopic like me. The moment she clicked this picture, she stepped and slid into a giant puddle of mud.
The topic? The topic? Oh, yeah! Valentine’s Day!
The three loves of my life.
The three crazy people who carry my heart with them everywhere they go.
This year a conversation with Princess Textsalot in the morning, got me to thinking.
We have had a very snowy winter this season, and that is putting it mildly. When the weather is going to be bad, Princess Textsalot is permitted to park her car in the side yard so that the slow can clear the street and not plow her car in, and things like that. Needless to say, her car has been in the side yard for nearly a month now! She has had to learn to leave time to shovel herself out in the mornings, warm her car and the other things that go along with being an adult with a job, a car that is parked outside and the responsibilities of being an adult.
Yesterday, was the aftermath of another particularly big storm. Sir Fartsalot had used the snow blower in the dark of night the previous night, had gotten up early, and I was under the impression gone off to work. I woke up thinking I was going to have to shovel the last 5-6 inches we got over night. I came downstairs, and discovered the princess was up getting ready for work,and she immediately started fretting to me that Daddy was outside snow blowing, had insisted on cleaning off her car even though she insisted to him that she could do it, and had also started it up to warm up for her. She kept pacing and saying, “Mom, I told him I could do it. He is going to hurt himself (The kids and I have a healthy appreciation for Sir Fartsalot’s aches and pains). He insisted on doing it. He is even digging out the underneath!”
I just calmly said to her, “Let him go. Remember, Daddy is a man of few words and not very “squishy” as we may be, but he loves you and this is his way of showing you that. Just be sure to say Thank You”
“I know, I know.”, she says.
Over the years, I have often tried my best to point out to the kids, the times that Sir Fartsalot is doing his best to show them he loves them. It is not easy at times, living with someone who is not verbal in his expression of anything, let alone affection, and he isn’t one to initiate demonstrations of affections. He will always reciprocate but rarely initiate. If you met his father, you would simply nod your head, and say, “I see”. Again, one of the most gentle, giving, wonderful man you would ever meet, but one of the least verbal and physically affectionate people I have ever met. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, bubbly and chatting, and as social as they come (please don’t point out the similarities to me, believe me, I know, and I have also watched their marital struggles)
Coincidently, this was followed by a conversation with The Dude later in the car. We were discussing ways, when he gets older, he is going to create inventions that will make things easier for him to do around the house. This was started with a discussion on new and improved ways of snow removal. You see, The Dude’s mission in life, especially when he gets older, is to have to do as little work as possible. The more things he can invent to make that possible the better.
I reminded him that part of growing up, owning a home and being more mature, is the work that most likely comes along with it. To which he replies, “hence the inventions to make it all easier.” As I shake my head, I say to him, “well your Daddy has taught you well, I think you will be able to take care of things at your house very well.” He replies, “yeah, I can’t go into the basement without learning something.” Again, you see, Daddy, on nearly a daily basis, pulls him aside to “show him” something, and The Dude is always included when Sir Fartsalot is planning a project or working on something at home. I love as The Dude has gotten older, how they often problem solve together to get something done.
Again, I took the opportunity to point out to The Dude that this is Daddy’s way of showing him he loves him. Teaching him, helping him learn, and working side by side with him. Thankfully, The Dude said he wouldn’t have it any other way.
There are times, I look back and wish someone could have taken the time to teach me the same lessons. They were hard learned.
You see, Sir Fartsalot set quite a precedent early on in our relationship. The first year we dated, each month “anniversary”, I received a rose for each month we had been dating. One month, one rose, two months, two roses and so on. No matter where I was – I was way at college a lot of that first year – I received those roses on THE day of the anniversary, 27th of each month. I got the full dozen at one year. You see, back then, when things were still fresh and new, Sir Fartsalot’s love language was gifts…flowers, cards and jewelry mostly. He didn’t have too much else to focus on, so he had all the time in the world to think about it. But as you can well imagine, marriage, kids, a home, increasing responsibility, tighter budgets and the other things that come along with a maturing relationship and responsibilities, the things he was used to using to express his affection became harder to come by. But these had become the ruler in which this immature young woman and grown to measure his affection.
Quite a few years of tears, and frustrations were laid out. Sir Fartsalot spent a lot of the kid’s early years working A LOT. Providing, so I could work part –time. Frugal is his middle name. God bless him, he could make a nickel bleed. That was his primary focus, and the kids were mine. Working was, and always will be, his way of showing us his love for us.
The “head” came on my first Mother’s Day…..which Sir Fartsalot, totally blew off.
Yeah.
We’ll let that sink in.
As well as birthdays with not so much as a card, and Christmases with what I viewed as last minute thoughtless gifts. (I will leave the subject of adult ADD completely out of the discussion for now!)
As the kids are reading this decades from now….
Thus began our journey, as couple, in learning to understand each other. It has taken years, dare I even say, decades for us to “figure it out”. We didn’t walk away from it. One thing we knew deep down, and still know, is that we loved each other, and we WOULD figure it out.
Thankfully, I have the wisdom, now, all these years later, to help the kids come to this understanding as well. I do the best that I can, but they also have to navigate their relationship with their Dad in their own way. I love the connections each of them has, that is uniquely theirs with him.
This brings to mind a conversation I had at work earlier this week with a young woman who is just embarking on her life with the man who will someday more than likely be her husband. She found out how long I have been married, and asked me what I thought the secret to a long marriage was. The very same question I have asked many a patient over the years.
My first, pat answer, was you have to be in it “for the long haul”. You have to DECIDE – yes, it is a choice – you are staying. There are, of course, inexcusable circumstances that are not included in this subject – abusive behavior, drug abuse affecting the family, affairs and things like that – but overall, you make the choice that leaving is not your first option. Pretty much, if you ask me, after 20 years of marriage is really boils down to what you will and will not tolerate. When you discover one of the things you are having difficulty tolerating, you can work on it as a couple, but essentially, you can’t change someone, you have to love WHO they are, without the “buts”. Sometimes, that means resigning yourself to things you just have to accept about the person you love. (again, with some exclusions) When you stop trying to force them to be someone YOU want THEM to be, and accept them for who they are, things start to get much better! I had to learn over the years, to recognize and accept how Sir Fartsalot shows his love. And you know what? When I stopped trying to force him to be what *I* wanted him to be, he slowly started giving more effort to paying attention. (Not easy for him, again I will leave the subject of adult ADD alone for now) Fortunately, as the kids have gotten older, we also have the blessing of more time to pay attention to each other, and it is slowly becoming easier for him again. I am forever grateful, if nothing else, when I stopped pointing fingers and telling him everything he was doing wrong. He didn’t have to be defensive any longer and was open to working it out.
I could go on forever……
Of this I am sure, this man would try his best to walk on water if we asked him to, and that alone means the world.
