Heartache

Sometimes my heart just aches for her.From Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul on

the Tough Stuff

Somewhere in the Middle

A journey lies ahead

for all teenagers today.

A journey to adulthood,

our youth to kiss away.

But as we go we find ourselves

at a truly awkward stage.

We're partial, unripe, sketchy and crude

at this tender age.

We're old enough to make a choice

yet still young in many ways.

Too young to pack our bags and go,

to old to want to stay.

Young enough for fun anf games,

too old for carefree lives.

Young enough for hopes and dreams,

yet for reality we strive.

Old enough for heartfelt pain,

too young to find the cure.

Too old for childish ways of past,

to young to be mature.

Old enough to fall in love

and give our hearts away.

But, still to young to understand

just why we feel this way.

We're trusted, loyal, proud and true,

yet scolded, sneered and scorned.

Between the role of adult and child,

we are somewhere torn.

Like an uncompleted work or art,

we're awkward, unsure, half-baked.

But be patient please

for we're on our way

to becoming something great.

Lisa Ortego

I got this Chicken Soup book for K for Christmas. She enjoyed it, and gave it to me. I loved it, and this poem struck me hard. As she said, this describes my life right now.

K has had a rough week and some things have fallen into an "aha" moment Friday night. Her therapist finally got her to open up a bit about her anxiety at school and how she still feels picked on and ridiculed. (She has taken on the "I don't care about them" attitude for so long and finally shared with us Friday night that she does care, and hurts more than she will share, cause she said she is afraid to let it out) - Anyway - some history...you see boys with ADD and probably some of the auditory issues that K has had/and still deals with, usually settle into the role of class clown, and goof off, and boys can be incredibly accepting to their differences. Girls on the other hand, are not. They are out and out mean. K has been set apart by the other girls in her classes, since elementary school. Nothing hurt my heart more than to be helping in class, and see another girl give K one of *those* looks (and if you have ever been a ten year old girl you know what I mean) - that "you are so weird" sneer. She has also often been set apart by her teachers, innocently enough, because she needed extra help or tutoring etc. She had a few close friends in the neighborhood here, but not too many other real "friends" that called or hung out with her. Social situations were challenging for her, she had a tough time following converstation if too many people were talking at once. She often would laugh inappropriately to distract from the fact that she didnt' know what was going on. Many girls were just not comfortable around her when they didn't understand her behavior. Add to this the fact that she has thick curly sometimes bushy hair. Need I say more? I am not sure anyone has been outwardly cruel to her, but tolerated her, and did not go out of their ways to befriend her.

In the last year, with her therapy, she has made INCREDIBLE strides in this area. being more socially appropriate, being able to communicate better , paying more attention to her appearance and clothes, and hair etc, and has more friends hanging out with her and calling her now than ever before. She still struggles with anxiety, all be it better,no more full out panic and anxiety attacks, she still struggles. She finally shared her frustrations on Friday night - that the four new kids that came into school have become instantly "popular" while she has tried for years and isn't, as well as sharing her feelings that when she is walking down the hall ALL the kids are talking about her and laughing at her . (She also has been having more direct problems with a boy that has the next locker to hers harrassing her daily - that WILL be taken care of tomorrow however) - This stems from some idiots who have made comments to her like about things she writes on her notebooks, like the fact that she loves her dog..or her hair...etc...idiot comments from kids who don't matter, but to K it does matter. She is very sensitve and emotional, and takes it all to heart. So since some boy told her she has frizzy hair that must be how all the kids feel, even though she says her friends tell her every day otherwise. her group of friends seems to be the "misfits" of the Jr High world. So we talked about it, her therapist wants to talk to all of us a bit more next week since he feels that these anxieties are probably distracting her from being able to concentrate in class etc. Maybe explain her inconsistent performance. Her anxiety is high enough that she can't eat in the morning. I also shared with her, that I know exactly how she feels, I was teased, made fun of and picked apart in Jr Hi and Hi school. She could not believe it! "But mom, you are so perfect!" - all I want to say, is "darling, if you only knew it has tken 30 years for me to be comfortable in my skin, I wish I could fast forward time for you." But I can't. I also reminded her that the entire social structure will get rearranged come 10th grade when the two Jr Hi's combine. We also told her how important it is to share it with us. While we can't "fix" it, letting it out will help. She has to work through the trials of being the average teenager (like asking me this morning what she should tell a friend who shared with her that she was scared because she caught her brother smoking something at home and doesn't know what to do about it) as well as adding the complication of her diagnosis to the mix. We are doing the best we can as her parents to give her the tools to cope and feel confident and loved. It is all we can do. We know she is a creative, wonderful, caring, incredibly forgiving,playful, energetic soul. She is beautiful from the inside out.

If I could take these growing pains from her, I would in a minute. Silly silly me, simply thought as a parent if I could have the money to give my kids a nice house, and the latest style clothes - they would be accepted and not teased as I was in my cheap knock offs, mobile home and Sears shoes. I also never in a million years anticipated having to deal with the diagnoses we have had and issues that come with them. Life truly is a learn as you go adventure.

Finally!

Some snow!
Just enough to have a bit of fun.
Sadly , it won't last.

Isn't K's coat *so* cute?

Snowball fights of course. But let's see , we also play snow baseball with our sleds. Snow tennis, and C. also grabbed his clubs and knocked a few snow golf balls into the back yard. He and Daddy were also skipping snowballs at each other across the top of the pool.
It was nice to get out and get some fresh air and have a bit of fun.

Until...

Until....I get back with J's birthday pictures.....I leave you with my latest blog addiction.....I TOTALLY want this woman's life. Horses. Steer. She cooks. *sigh* I want to so be her.

http://thepioneerwoman.com/

This IS the year...

So - because I have nothing better to do...cough cough cough......a friend on a weight loss sight asked us to go make Virtual models of ourselves, now and at our goal weight....so I am game..... This is before...as in now.....kind of creepy to see your scalped off head on a fake model, but also rather eerie on how much the body shape is mine. (was really ticked that the site would not let me put that cute tshirt on this model! What are they trying to say!?) Also rather a HUGE wake up call. Not that I don't see myself in the mirrow every day, but most times us gals get pretty good at not "seeing" ourselves in the mirror, if you know what I mean.
And this is me at what would be my goal weight...40 lbs away....I used to look like this. I was pretty cute huh? (This is not even the lowest WW says I can go...the low range for my height is 15 lbs smaller than that...can y ou imagine?)

So again, I proclaim...this IS the year, I lose the weight!

Health reasons rule. As nice as it will be to look good, I need to get healthy. At this rate, if I do live to see my grandchildren, I will not be healthy enough to enjoy it. With the heart disease that runs rampant on my father's side of the family - young at age, and not limited to the men -the diabetes I just learned my father has, and the cancer risk on my mom's side....the ONE thing I can control is what goes in my mouth, and how much I exercise. I KNOW that. But Knowing and Doing are two entirely different things.

so there it is. For all the world to see. Hopefully I can look back at this post next year, and say oh yeah - remember that!?

Half way

Half way through January - and I can honestly say - we have not done much of anything.
No pictures.
No snow.
No nothing.
Stress? Does that count?
Sad news? That doesn't count either.
So I haven't been in much of a frame of mind to dump anything here lately.
Favorite patient - going to die. Period. No cure. A 62 year old man who should be enjoying the retirement he has waited his life to have. A close family who will be lost with out him. Of course drags up a lot of feelings about my mom's passing. Not a good thing.
On top of that , I haven't been feeling well. Which drains me. I wish it was just acold that I knew there was an end to, but it isn't.
K's wonderful progress in therapy and at home, has still not translated to success in school. Frustrating to say the least. And honestly, I am starting to tire. I want so bad so say I don't care. To give up the fight. She does her homework. She takes notes. She participates in class. She does not slouch in her chair and stare at her shoes, shrug her shoulders and say Who cares....she should be doing better. So the phone calls to the counselor start again today. *sigh*

Today is however my darling's birthday! 42 years old. And he only acts like he's 50. K and I started a cake last night, and we are giving him a cute little valentine mini book. It is supposed to be for a class for valentine's day at the store, but it was perfect for his birthday.

I have also been throwing around a "hope" post - timely as ever, our sermon at church Sunday was on Hope. Much needed by me this week,let me tell you. So that has been floating around in my head.

So I shall return. If not today, tomorrow. To be cheerier, and hopefully much more uplifting than today. It helps to type things out here. I have never pretended and presented my "oh so perfect world" tra la la on my blog....I want to read back in a few years and laugh at my dispair over K, and tell myself what a silly girl I was....

Pretending

Quote I saw today - can't give credit as there was none there where I found it....

Pretending to be a normal person day after day is exhausting.

I think it was meant to be funnier than I took it.( I think we are supposed to envision funny sill crazy people pretending to be averge joes)
There are times with my depression that this rings so much truer than it ever should. I try not to sugar coat too much of my life, but there are also those days when you just wake up, paste on that smile because you have to, and pretend that everything is ok. I tend to be a very upbeat person. I try anyway. I like to have a bit of fun here and there, tease and enjoy talking to people. Than there is that other % that sometimes grows larger than I prefer, when I would give anything to just stay in bed and cry. But my happy me is under there, so most times it is just a matter of swallowing the depression, and letting the happy,up beat, encouraging me come back up. Sometimes the triggers take me by surprise. So many people so many times after looks of surprise and shock at learning that I do indeed have depression, say, "I would never have been able to tell, you are so happy all the time" - ahhhh there is the trick. Pretending can be fun. Pretending can be stressful. And sometimes pretending makes me feel better. I manage well without medication when I can eat right,e xercise and have some time to myself. Since I am not doing any of those things right now, the last few weeks have been a roller coaster. It is a struggle daily to decide which way it is going to go.

I have learned along the way I need to appreciate every day. One way I am trying to simplify and be more grateful, is by starting a gratitude journal. I am so not good at daily, so I am making it weekly. I think I may post here, and encourage anyone reading to do the same. Would love to hear some of the things everyone is appreciative of. And one rule I am making for myself, is that I can not list family, friends and home. Too easy....my other goal is to break J or some of his gloomy gus habits. I am seeing more and more of that in K as well and don't like it. Not that he mopes all the time, but he does tend to point out the list of negatives in a situation and all the reasons, why to "not" instead of looking past it and seeing what can be fun about something. I tend to see the fun, positives, and want to try new things - when he is happy to stay right where he is surrounded by the familiar and safe. He is not adventurous in the least. I can see it in K too. I want her so much more want to explore, enjoy, experience, instead of not trying just because it is easier and safer. Wish me luck!

Christmas

The kids had so much fun with Duncan Bob Oodles. I am so glad I "bought some joy". K. had a blast moving him around to surprise C. in the morning.
Christmas turned out to be a bit interesting for us this year. C. got a stomach bug, literally nearly the second we walked into J's parent's house the Saturday before Christmas. He was fine when we left the house, and bounced around the car the whole 5 hours to get there....but man was he sick when we got there. Tried my best to keep him away from my MIL - chemo vs stomach bug not a good thing. We camped out upstairs the whole weekend. He was so desperate to play with his new gifts that he sat up with a fever, a "just in case" bowl and his game boy. didn't last long, but he tried! None of slept through the night for four nights straight. We thought he was all better, but I wound up pulling mop up and clean the bathroom duty around 9 pm Christmas eve luckily we decided against church, or we would have been in church for C.'s "event". So it was a bit odd for us this year. But I will admit, staying home was kind of nice. We spent some time together, cause of course Daddy got an upset stomach Christmas day. So after breakfast, we just hung out all day. Alone. Weird. There are times I really miss our big family gatherings when my mom was here, but then there are other times it is nice to just hangout alone.
My Christmas presents. I didn't take very many other pictures. Spent more time enjoying the day. J. got me a satellite radio - which ROCKS! We will eat hot dogs til Easter to pay for it, but well worth it. The kids love the comedy station. Beg for it constantly . K asked for a real baby doll. Not sure why. And C. as always got his Hess truck and of course.......
Wii rocks around here! (C. said today when he got home from school that almost everyone got a Wii for Christmas) We spent the better part of Christmas morning boxing, and bowling, and baseball. Love it! It gets all of us up and moving. We had quite a fun conversation with the kids about Atari and Pong, and went down memory lane as old folks saying "remember when" - Teehee. Feeling a bit old lately since my youth group kids didnt' even know who Fonzi was the last time we played Cranium! I wonder how long it will be til the kids are saying, "remember when you had to actually hold a controller to play a video game? " - when we are saying - "remember that big old plastic gun that you plugged into the Atari to play duck hunt?" - Then K was watching some Fresh Prince reruns and there he was with one! I died laughing.

This is just because I like the picture. Santa brought Zoey a huge beef knuckle. Kept her quiet all morning. She turned three years old before Christmas. Hard to believe we will have her three years in Feb. Seems like just yesterday. Seems like she has never not been here, and I can't remember what it was like when she wasn't here.

Good reminder

Funny I should stumble over this quote, just after J said, "Have a good day" and I said, "I probably won't" -


Author Unknown :
This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good.

So I am off to MAKE it a good day.

Altho I would much rather be back in bed.

PROMISE christmas pics and NYE update tonight.