Last weekend, as I was cruising around my Facebook newsfeed as I do with my coffee on as many Saturdays as I can,
I scrolled up to this photo from
Porch Sitting Union of America's homepage
My Granny loved all things nature, birds in particular, but cardinals were by far her favorite. She was a woman of little to no means, and even into her later years kept "scrapbooks" of sorts. Adhesive photo albums where she would place pictures, but also magazine photos, clips, articles that she wanted to save. There were many many clippings of cardinal photos in those books.
So, needless to say, when I see a cardinal, I immediately think of her, and my heart warms.
I have wrote about it before, this woman had a huge impact on me as a kid. All of the things I enjoy today, I attribute to her teaching. Cooking, baking, hiking, nature, animals, card games, and time with my family. She didn't have much to offer us by way of material items, but she gave of herself, and her time and that means more to me than anything.
Then, as I continued to scroll, this photo comes along my feed from the same site.
This is my Pappy, through and through. That man loved his trains. He wore a conductors hat for that I remember for most of my childhood. We often took trips to Kempton to the railroad, but most of all, he loved his Christmas trains. He took time every year, and attention to that train and board and spent so much time and care to place it up for the season.
So, of course, at this point my brain is first saying, well hello to both of you, but then of course, I start to wonder what the message is supposed to be. That didn't come to me for a little while.I went off to help at Santa Paws (and side note incidentally the second customer was my biological father with whom I no longer a real relationship. So that was also an eyebrow raiser after the photos in the morning but I don't think connected), and continued to make my mental list of all that had to get accomplished in the next two days.
I had spent the previous week, working more than usual, after traveling for the holiday, and running the usual household chores, on top of teh impending Mishock Holiday Party looming on the weekend and not one skirt of pair of dress pants that fit in my closet. So, all week I was stressed about finding time to get to the mall, meet all my obligations, AND somehow get Christmas to arrive at our house.
Good news is, I managed to get something to be called an outfit pieced together, and got to the party, but Sunday morning when I got up, this sight was still looming over my head
Right here, right now, I am ashamed to admit, I had a meltdown. Complete and simple as that. I am blessed beyond my own belief and I try my best on a daily basis
to remember where I came from, and what got me where I am.
I allowed myself to lose that.
No one else wanted anything to do with helping, the kids went off to work, I still have to get all my "mom" stuff done and get all of this done as well, and simple as that, I let first world problems grab me and take a hold. And see that wood floor under those boxes? Yes, that is my scraproom/dining room that was torn apart this summer and "supposed to be" finished by now, and adds to the mess.
I spent the better part of the afternoon, with the biggest Grinch heart, placing out our Christmas decorations and knick knacks.
I hated that Christmas was just one more thing I "had to do", on a long list of "must do"s for the season. Mind you, I was neglecting to remember that a lot of my stress was due to fitting it all in around fun events as well!
The last thing I always place out, is the nativity, and as I was doing this, as I usually do,
I flashed on the memory of my grandparents small creche that my Granny always displayed prominently at Christmas. The story goes, that when my grandparents had a house fire years before,
this creche was one of the few things to survive, nearly unscathed. A story my Granny loved to tell
and to her meant a huge deal.
Then it dawned on me, my messages from the photos the previous day...
Keep it Simple Stupid!
All of the deadlines, and chores I had were placed upon myself, mostly by me.
Something were out of my control, but most were not.
My grandparents had, I am not exaggerating, nothing. They were lucky to take the needed money from the December budget to get a small tree every year. Pretty much that tree, with it's meager ornaments, with my grandfather's beloved train beneath (pieced together over the years), and that creche were pretty much it. I believe there were some handmade crocheted items in red and white placed around the house. My grandmother took great pains all year long to set aside a small amount every month, so that at Christmas, she could carefully with her small budget thoughtfully and painstakingly purchase a meaningful gift for each family member. Everyone got one gift, but one she didn't buy for the sake of buying, but because she put great thought into the item and why the recipient would love it. Again I think giving me my love of giving and choosing *just* the right gift. I hate giving just for the sake of the requirement.
But you know what?
On Christmas day, her house was full, loud and happy!
I needed to remember that Christmas did not depend on what I placed on the mantel,
but what was in my heart.
My heart softened. I apologized to my husband, and finished my tasks.
Earlier int he day, my sister had *coincidentally* asked if I wanted to come with her and a friend
to go caroling to some elderly from her church. I accepted the invite at the time,
but almost with regret thinking it gave a timeline to what I need to accomplish beforehand
but I really did want to go.
I say *coincidentally* because I don't really believe in them.
The caroling was exactly what I need to finish off my "awakening"
and I do not believe the events were random.
We have not been settled in a church for a few years now, and this time of year
is when I really miss our church family and events.
I had to stop myself from crying through the first few carols,
and nearly started bawling when one of our first stops, accepted our cookie and blanket, and songs, and proclaimed, "I feel so rich all of a sudden!"
My Grinch heart grew three sizes that night.
Caroling, followed by some wonderful fellowship was
just what I needed.
Walking in that night, the house seemed brighter, happier and warmer
than when I had left earlier.
I had found my Christmas glow exactly where I should have been searching
all the while.
