Randy Pausch

http://www.thelastlecture.com/

J and I have been shedding way too many tears lately over Jaymun, and now Mr. Pausch's passing. I am totally in awe that little Jaymun's story can bring my normally unemotional husband to tears. Amazing.

And quite simply Cancer Sucks. Period. So sugar coating that.

I have been following Randy's story since I first saw Diane Sawyer interview him on GMA and went to find his last lecture and watch it. I am now on the wait list at Border's for the book. Last night's Primetime tribute to him was amazing and the more they interviewed him as he got sicker the more amazing he and his wife become. This man truly honestly loved like, enjoyed life, and lived it every day - even long before his diagnosis. He had it figured out. He had spent the last months of his life, encouraging, teaching and demonstrating a true enjoyment of exsistence.

It frustrates me at times, that so many are so clueless until faced with a terminal diagnosis or other tradegy. Then every one starts talking bucket lists, and what to do before I go.....why not think of all that now? Sure we can't quit our jobs and spend day in and day out doing exactly what we want, but we can change our attitude. Make small goals yearly of things to accomplish etc. We can change our attitude about our life. Make time for the small things. Because it is all about the small things.

When I asked J last night if he found out he only had six months to live, what would he chose to do. His first response was to travel - see the Grand Canyon, maybe Hawaii.

I sat and thought about it, and honestly. The only thing on my list was to spend as much time with he and the kids as possible. I told him I was a bit sad that that wasn't at the top of his list, but he has to add that his travels of course would only happen with us.

All I would want to do was make those last months together as warm and happy as possible. I could pass on happily and honestly say I don't think I would be thinking I wish I had seen 'this place' or 'done that'. I might wish to take my kids to experience somethings that I have always wanted to share with them, take them on some adventures I have always wanted to try.....I am not against spending my last months on earth making memories with my kids in a nice warm tropical place.

We also embarked on the dying suddenly vs. long drawn out death debate. I chose longer time period over sudden. Often times, when death comes suddenly there are so many loose ends left hanging, so many what if's, and so many I shoulda's, so many I wish-I-hadn't-said-that-this-morning's. At least know a bit ahead of time, gives time to talk, express feelings, and share together. I love that this talk led to talk of trying to leave any of those shoulda's hanging...trying daily to appreciate and love each other. We also decided we need to try as much as we can withint the constraints of out budget to do some of those little adventures that we both would like to enjoy - such as seeing the Pacific Ocean.

As much as cancer sucks, I am grateful that I was able to hear Randy's message, share his story and create some converstation with J that will maybe make some changes in both our hearts. Randy will most certainly be touching hearts long after his death and leaving his legacy to be carried on.

As he said, you can't change the cards you are dealt, only how you play them. Often times humans spend so much time angry about their cards or wishing for cards they don't have, they miss out on a good hand.

I hope I can encorporate his wife's "not helpful" mantra into my life. When my thoughts begin going in a negative direction, I can redirect them by reminding myself that they will not be helpful. I strive to be at peace with wherever God places me in my life. To find peace. It will never just be handed to me. Your heart has to be open to it, and willing to accept it.

Most of all I want to teach my children to find peace. Now. Not when it's too late.

Neena and Papa

"Oh what did you go and put that up there for?"

is what I am going to hear.

These are J's parents.

Easter 2 years ago. (Yes, I am way behind)

I rarely get to scrap them, so I thought I would share something I did last night. It turned out so nicely I wanted her to see it.

Journalling reads - Geography keeps us apart, but our hearts close the gap. Always enjoy the chance to visit.

There are just some people in your life that you don't talk to often enough, see often enough or tell often enough how special they are to you, and what they mean to you. Sad but true.

I met these two 22 years ago.(Ack to say that outloud!) I was a petrified teenager with low self esteem and an anxiety problem in new situations. J was living with an aunt here in Pa at the time, who was not nice and not fond of me at all. Trust me, she was not kind to me one little bit. She was the only relative of J's I had ever met, besides his brother briefly the night I met J. So to me, his whole family could be as bitter and angry as this aunt. The five hour ride in the back of the car with his aunt and uncle, total silence the entire way - after I had had to ask them to go back to my house 15 min into the trip to retrieve my purse with my "personal items " in it. Not a pretty sight. I was sick to my stomach, had no idea what to expect, and no idea how I would be treated once I got there. As far as J told me I was the first girlfriend he had since he was in Pa that garnered the trip home to meet the parents, so the pressure on me was intense.

All I can say is, I was greeted incredibly warmly, welcomed into their home, and treated beautifully from that day on. She wound up being the polar opposite of her sister, much to my relief. I couldn't ask for better in-laws. I can imagine our descending upon their home to take over for days at a time can be stressful. One problem with being so far away, instead of brief frequent visits, our visits are usually long. The welcome is always warm, and we always feel right at home. We keep trying to talk them into moving down here.

I know she would mother me far more if my personality allowed it. I am not used to being mothered and pampered - difficult for me. I find when I am there, I want to do for her rather than have her do for me. Pamper her a bit. Two women in the same kitchen both wanted the other to go sit and relax. We also get to chat over cutting onions and peeling potatoes. They are both gentle people with big generous hearts. I believe they could probably walk on water for us if it was required of them. I know I don't keep in touch as I should. even after her healthy scare last year, and my promise to myself that I wouldn't let this second chance go without more contact, I fail. I tend to push J more to call and keep in touch, cause after all, he is their son and they deserve to talk to him. He is also a man, and without my prodding and if took over the task, he would never talk to them. Calling more is one of those things I keep meaning to do, and just let slide on busy days when most times I don't sit til 9 pm. I also made a pact with J that I would not buy his family holiday/birthday cards. The sentiment was to come from him, not me. So that means there are often holidays that go buy with no card from him at all. I was so happy when I found a mother's day card that was perfect to send from me. I enjoyed buying it and sharing it with her.

I occasionally see glimpses of his father in J, and sometimes that is good and sometimes that is scary, but I also know we are our own couple and can work some of the challenges. Seeing the similarities now, also helps me deal with the issues ahead of time, and change my approach so hopefully it won't be an issue later on.

So this is in my own small way my way of letting them know how much they mean to me, and how special they are. They are now permanently part of one of my scrapbooks, and as always in my heart.

Money

I think money is the perpetual age old marriage couple arguement. I think most likely the cave people in some way argued about rocks and sticks or what ever it is that that used to *buy* or trade for items they needed.

Never enough of it. No matter what.

J has a way, of no matter how many ways to sunday he can say he doesn't, turn it around to be on me that we spend to much. The reality is that I am the one who does 90% of the shopping around here - from food to clothes and everything in between. So ergo - "we" are not spending too much, "I" am spending too much. The confusing thing is that I don't go around spending money willynilly buying what ever it is I want, when ever I want. I stretch my hair cuts as far as possible, cut my own bangs, and only color twice a year anymore. There isn't a stitch of clothes on any of us that wasn't on sale. Shop at WalMart for cleaning supplies and household goods. I don't get my nails done, do not go to the mall. Cut coupons. I live with the three pickiest eaters on the face of the earth. Grocery shopping is a thorn in my side. The man will not eat anything but 90% lean beef, and boneless skinless breast, which I only buy on super sale. Loves to have people here to eat my cooking because he likes it. I don't have custom prints and antiques all over my house. I teach scrap classes and work at the scrap store for a discount and money towards my scrap supplies. I rarely pay to crop anymore. Heaven forbid I did go to Micheal's and bought the kids some craft supplies for the summer. We just up graded to two cars, yes, but both are more fuel efficient and cost nearly the same as the one we had.

So - where does it go? Don't ask me. I certainly don't know.

J always has a way of instantly, with one comment or gesture, making me feel like the kids and I are nothing but huge dollar signs walking around the house, eating up his money. So now he's cranky. Came home early from work. We are supposed to be excited about that, but instead of giving the kids a few options of things to do with him, he lets them go back to their video game, so he can do what he really wants to do, and that is work in the basement. *altho his excuse will be that that is what they wanted to do. Never mind that they have been alone here all day watching tv and being vegetables* Work is J's drug of choice and best way he knows how of avoiding the rest of us. If I take charge and announce we are going in the pool, every one will grumble but we will go out and have fun. There are some times I get so sick of being in charge I could scream. J informed me last week that he is perfectly content with me being in charge, likes it that way and see no need to change it. So I guess that's that.

Just normal every day run of the mill age old marital arguements that I am sure will not even be settled by the time we are all inhabiting the moon. Doesn't make them any easier to deal with.

The birthday girl and her cake.

Tradition here is that we make, well I should say, the birthday person usually makes thier cake. This year, K wanted a giant oreo cookie...so dark chocolate cake mix and a huge bowl of homemade buttercream icing later - Oreo cake.

It was good too.

According to her, "the best ever"

Til something else comes along.

Trying hard not to dump a whole batch of bitterness and anger into this post that is just sitting on the surface of me right now. Writing helps, but this post is about K. Or as her father sees her, just another one of the $ signs running around the house.

I will stop now.

[untitled]

[Untitled] Because I am totally out of creative catchy titles]

This beautiful gorgeous creature is 14 today.

Where the heck does the time go? Seems like just yesterday she was 14 months old! When we were at the pediatrician getting her physical and vaccinations on Friday, I heard a baby crying from it's shots and it just seemed like just the day before that I had been there with her as a baby. *sigh* Spent some much needed quiet family time yesterday in the pool. I am not a fan of the volleyball net being across the pool all the time (less room for mommy to float )- but the kids love it. We played for quite awhile.

God - I love these two.

The kids tried for almost an hour to ply the dog into the pool. She was having no parts of it even with treats offered.....
Until K. cornered her and pushed her. I never thought K would be able to get the best of her, but I think Zoey never thought that K would push her. So far everyone has tried to pick her up.
She was NOT happy about it at all. The look of pure fear and misery on the dog's face made me want to cry.
But she was very happy to be out! She tore around the yard and shook so hard I thought she would shake her tail off!

No more pool for Zoey!

So today we are making birthday cake and having macaroni and cheese for dinner!

Happy birthday to my darling baby girl. I am so proud of everything she has accomplished this year, and the beautiful person she is becoming. Hard to believe I have had anything to do with it at all.

Oh dear

Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear.....said in my best A.A. Milne Rabbit voice.......

......just putting sunscreen on my boy - and man - the hair. The hair, the hair. My boy is getting hairy.

Why does it still surprise me so? Why do I continue to be shocked and have to deal with these emotions? It knocks me flat every time I am reminded that my children are growing, and are healthy and strong.

Wading into the deep end again

I haven't had a *deep* or philospohical post in quite a while...was thinking that yesterday....so after all those sunny flower pictures yesterday, I read this blog post this morning...
http://www.jaymun.com/journal/2008_07_16/
This sweet little boy is fighting. His father's pain, panic and fear is palpable. My heart just breaks for them. I have pulled my hair out and nashed my teeth over my children and their struggles, but their struggles have never been life or death. Puts things into perspective pretty quickly. I have never had to sit and watch my baby sturggle and cry out in pain that I can not fix. So today - every time I may feel a little frustrated by my kids, I am going to consciously stop myself, praise God and give thanks for thier physical health and our happiness, and say a prayer for Jaymun and his family.

Don't fall over

This makes two days in a row! The kids have been entertaining themselves with perler beads the last few days. Which means a lot of these laying around waiting to be ironed. K is making some to hang in her locker inthe fall. It keeps them quiet and entertained for awhile so I am not complaining.

Yesterday - K warmed my heart -

She asked if I was home today. When I replied yup, no patients. she said, Yesssssss. They still like when I am with them. They don't like being home alone. Which now makes my heart even heavier when I have to leave.

But this makes me smile. Good Morning Glory! These are on the fence by the front door and driveway. Fascinates the kids how tight they close at night. I am not sure either of them have been up early enough to see them open though! They seeded themselves from the ones I planted last year. Total surprise to me this year.

One hundred percent total gratuitous shot for my bff of my black eyed susans, which just opened.

And these ladies were just begging to be shot reaching for the sun when they saw me taking pictures of the other flowers.

K starts open court for tennis next week - up and at the court by 8 AM - yes, 8 AM - so she will be seeing alot of the morning glories! Twice a week until the week before vacation when it is every morning! Mommy is not looking forward to that! But that is try out week. The *big* week. Somehow I have to figure out my schedule to still work and get her back and forth to the courts every morning. She still goes to the township camp every wed. night too. She is really enjoying it. It is so nice to see her actually motivated to participate and following through. I am PRAYING she makes the team (esp since I have begged borrowed and kissed butt to get her a well visit at the pediatrician before Aug 11 for a physical. An opening just came open this morning and we can go friday! Yay!)

Summer goodness

My first "harvest" -

Some fresh green beans which were YUMMY - and a cuke and some lettuce (I planted Romaine but it doesn't seem to be getting "heads" - so I just picked a bunch) - these are on the menu for tonight. In addition to the watermelon I planted this year, there are three or four more vinse growing up on the other side of the patch. The watermelon I left to rot (compost ya know!) at the end of last season must have reseeded itself. So we are going to have a lot of watermelon, assuming we can pick it at the correct time this year and wind up with ripe watermelon instead of white fleshed watermelon.

I had to go back and look at last year to pacify myself that I have not taken hardly ANY pictures this July again. Last year, there are nearly none except K's birthday. There is just not much going on - we seem to be constantly moving but not doing anything special. K's birthday is once again fast approaching. She has been making lists for months, keeps changing her party plans - a trip to the beach with four friends got nixed by mom. I just can not be responsible for five 14 year olds on the beach, 4 of which belong to someone else. I told her maybe next year. If I take pics of what the kids have been doing most of the time, that would be sitting on the couch in front of the tv. I hate being at work knowing that is where they are. Thankfully - only a few days a week, and wtihthe tv lock I can get them to do some chores before it comes on. Spanish is coming along slowly for K.

That is about it for now.

*yawn*

Do not adjust your screen

It is the same kid. I swear there was half a pound of hair on the floor when the stylist was finished. She was literally wading through it. I also could not believe how dark it looked on the floor. So hard to believe the kid was billard ball bald when he was born and had the blondest blonde hair ever as a toddler.

He decided - TOTALLY on his own - that the long hair was just too annoying and he was not willing to care for it the way it needed cared for - ie, he actually had to wet it to brush it in the morning. I can remember having the same arguements with K at the same age -

"If you want it long, you have to take care of it"

"Stop whining when I brush it"

"where's your detangling spray?"

"no you can't brush it dry, you have to wet it" -

lest we have a house full aof Albert Einsteins running around looking as if they are touching the static ball at the Franklin Institute!

I know there are a few grown women who will miss being able to play with that hair. But I personally prefer the face.

So he says, "just for the summer" but is already off the wall about being able to gel it and spike it again. See how long that novelty lasts!

Can anyone?

Can anyone tell me -

1. What happened to all those well thought out summer plans I had?
The days just seem to be getting away from us, and while it feels like we have been going
non-stop, I can't really tell you anything special that we have done!

2. How one man, with one reasonably sized face and no coordination issues that I am aware of
get those little bits of shaving cream and stubble in so many places in the bathroom when
he shaves?

3. How two kids who watch tv most of the day when I am at work, can make such a huge mess
of one small kitchen?

4. How can one dog throw off so much hair?

5. When will my 13 year old finally stop sniffling her nose in that terribly obnoxious way, and use
a tissue without me crawling out of my skin and screaming at her to get a tissue!?

6. How long do you think I can do without washing the kitchen floor before something starts to
grow?

7. Where to find that bottomless pit of ever replenishing money that the kids seem to think is in
my purse?

8. Who the evil evil person is at Rita's water ice that created the Ritachino as yet another way to
contribute to my never ending coffee addiction - while adding even more fat and sugar to it!

9. How we can live in the same house for nearly 8 years now, and no one besides me really
knows where the dishes go when emptying the dishwasher?

10. How can I get rid of those darn squawking balck birds and get the finches back at the
feeder?