Randy Pausch

http://www.thelastlecture.com/

J and I have been shedding way too many tears lately over Jaymun, and now Mr. Pausch's passing. I am totally in awe that little Jaymun's story can bring my normally unemotional husband to tears. Amazing.

And quite simply Cancer Sucks. Period. So sugar coating that.

I have been following Randy's story since I first saw Diane Sawyer interview him on GMA and went to find his last lecture and watch it. I am now on the wait list at Border's for the book. Last night's Primetime tribute to him was amazing and the more they interviewed him as he got sicker the more amazing he and his wife become. This man truly honestly loved like, enjoyed life, and lived it every day - even long before his diagnosis. He had it figured out. He had spent the last months of his life, encouraging, teaching and demonstrating a true enjoyment of exsistence.

It frustrates me at times, that so many are so clueless until faced with a terminal diagnosis or other tradegy. Then every one starts talking bucket lists, and what to do before I go.....why not think of all that now? Sure we can't quit our jobs and spend day in and day out doing exactly what we want, but we can change our attitude. Make small goals yearly of things to accomplish etc. We can change our attitude about our life. Make time for the small things. Because it is all about the small things.

When I asked J last night if he found out he only had six months to live, what would he chose to do. His first response was to travel - see the Grand Canyon, maybe Hawaii.

I sat and thought about it, and honestly. The only thing on my list was to spend as much time with he and the kids as possible. I told him I was a bit sad that that wasn't at the top of his list, but he has to add that his travels of course would only happen with us.

All I would want to do was make those last months together as warm and happy as possible. I could pass on happily and honestly say I don't think I would be thinking I wish I had seen 'this place' or 'done that'. I might wish to take my kids to experience somethings that I have always wanted to share with them, take them on some adventures I have always wanted to try.....I am not against spending my last months on earth making memories with my kids in a nice warm tropical place.

We also embarked on the dying suddenly vs. long drawn out death debate. I chose longer time period over sudden. Often times, when death comes suddenly there are so many loose ends left hanging, so many what if's, and so many I shoulda's, so many I wish-I-hadn't-said-that-this-morning's. At least know a bit ahead of time, gives time to talk, express feelings, and share together. I love that this talk led to talk of trying to leave any of those shoulda's hanging...trying daily to appreciate and love each other. We also decided we need to try as much as we can withint the constraints of out budget to do some of those little adventures that we both would like to enjoy - such as seeing the Pacific Ocean.

As much as cancer sucks, I am grateful that I was able to hear Randy's message, share his story and create some converstation with J that will maybe make some changes in both our hearts. Randy will most certainly be touching hearts long after his death and leaving his legacy to be carried on.

As he said, you can't change the cards you are dealt, only how you play them. Often times humans spend so much time angry about their cards or wishing for cards they don't have, they miss out on a good hand.

I hope I can encorporate his wife's "not helpful" mantra into my life. When my thoughts begin going in a negative direction, I can redirect them by reminding myself that they will not be helpful. I strive to be at peace with wherever God places me in my life. To find peace. It will never just be handed to me. Your heart has to be open to it, and willing to accept it.

Most of all I want to teach my children to find peace. Now. Not when it's too late.