So ends……

Another Christmas season.

This one, for some reason, I am not sure why, was a very peaceful settled one for me.  I usually wallow in missing my mom, and get all melancholy, but for some reason, this year I did not. Wish I knew what I did, so I am sure I can repeat it next year!

I have been trying very very hard to make time for myself, and through out the year we have been making time to focus on time together as a family. I took this holiday season, one weekend at at time, did what we could, when we could, and didn’t force anything.

Decorating the tree

We did not get to travel on Thanksgiving, and as much as we missed  it and will not be missing NC on Thanksgiving again, I think it did help tremendously that we had one more weekend in which  to fit Christmas preparation.

.

I had a little “help” – the packages weren't’ perfect but who cares!

For the first time in years, we did not travel on Christmas day. Because of the Saturday holiday we spent the entire weekend at Sir Fartsalot’s parents house in NY and had a nice, family and food filled weekend, with no stress and lots of video games and food. Other than racing home ahead of a major snow storm that required us to leave early, it was a terrific weekend. As usual, I took almost no pictures….just a few…..

My heart just bursts with happiness to look at these.

Santa did well again this year. With Sir Fartsalot’s overtime this year, and my new job we were able to do Christmas without dipping into the savings this  year. That might have had something to do with the “peaceful” feeling too! We nearly had K convinced that was just a universal remote, not a new tv for her room! It worked for about 5 minutes! It was no nice to be able to do this for her, considering the tv she originally bought for herself she purchased at a yard sale for $5. There were just a few moments where C needed to be reminded that the things he got were worth just as much as the tv, and were at the top of his list. So the rest of the day was filled with teenage boy shooting and light sabering his way through the xBox! 

even as teenagers, they leave quite an “aftermath” of paper in their wake! C is still just young enough to be excited and was counting down the hours til bed time and up Christmas morning earlier than this  teenage boy has been out of bed, except for school, in nearly a year- much to our dismay and groans at 7:15 am.

So, we log another holiday in the books, return to reality and work today, as well as start to look forward to the new year.

Merry Christmas!

"When we remember a special Christmas, it is not the presents that made it special, but the laughter, the feeling of love, and the togetherness of friends and family that made that Christmas special." ~~Catherine Pulsifer

Scenes from a goofy family “early” Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all!!

I wish for those I love, blessings they can not comprehend and the strength to endure the tough times. The love to support them and each other. Most of all the love of Christ today and the gift that He brought us all.

Hmmmm…….

Yes, if you are keeping track….

getting as tall as Dad.

The tree is decked.

My kids are still just as weird as I am.

Gingerbread houses, made and slightly eaten.

One drunk snowman….

We had Christmas dinner with my family yesterday. This weekend, heading to Albany to spend the weekend with J’s parents…..

so I guess we are ready.

Well, one present shy of ready thanks to FedExSmartPost….but here’s to hoping it makes it by Thursday when we leave!

Simplified this year, no stress, and it has been an enjoyable holiday indeed!

That Christmas feeling…..

There has been a very disturbing theme to the status updates for many of my friends and acquaintances on Facebook these last few days. Two weeks before Christmas, and negativity abounds!  One person asked all of her friends to respond to her post and in one word describe the last 24 hours of their life. NOT ONE person had anything positive to post.

What?

This is CHRISTMAS after all??

In this last year, I have tried very very hard to slow down. Appreciate. Be IN the moment, not just knocking something off my list  GETTING THROUGH the moment.  we have made more time for the four of us in the last year. It has been wonderful.

Saturday we spent the day, just us girls, in the Big Apple. (post to come!) Taking in the Christmas sights. To say it was crowded, was an understatement. But, there is something magical about the city at this time of year.

You know the city was full of tourists, but what struck me in Rockerfeller and other parts of the city, was how FEW people were looking up and taking in the sights and looking at the tree. Everyone just seemed to be trying to get to the next thing.  Moving on. Check that off the list. Keep moving.

There in lies the problem. I know. Last Christmas for me was just one more thing on my To Do list. I hated it. I hated that feeling.  And I made a pact with myself on New Year’s, that I would not spend this year doing the same thing. Just marking things off in order to say they were done.

Christmas time, right now, seems to be for most of my friends, just another list of things to do.

But, honestly, how many of them really truly matter??

Does getting 12 different types of cookies baked, make Christmas come?

Does stressing over standing in line for “The perfect’ gift make Christmas come? Do our kids really honestly need everything on their list?

Do the lights need to be up? Does the tree need to be up on such a such day and decorated by such and such minute? Does every teacher need a handmade gift? Do cards need to be sent to people you most likely have not had a conversation of any sort in the last 20 years other than swapping the obligatory christmas card.

Here is a hint – if you feel OBLLIGATED to do it, it most likely is not something memories are made of.

Then I hear people saying that they just can’t find the Christmas spirit! Because we are going about it all the wrong way.

Just like any peace in our hearts, it only comes when you slow down and get quiet enough to hear and feel it.

If you can do all the things on your list with a happy heart, little stress and a smile on your face , then there isn’t a problem. But if trying to get everything accomplished turns you into a scrooge, then what are you really accomplishing? Usually saying as we go, it is “all for the children”.  Is it truly “for the children”?  Society has given us such a skewed picture of what “the perfect Christmas” should look and be like, and we have given ourselves such high standards to meet, but along the way we are losing the joy. The miracle of the season.  We are so busy trying to MAKE everything perfect, that we are forgetting to stop and appreciate what is ALREADY perfect.

I think all of us are forgetting what we remember most about our Christmases as children. Do any of us remember every ornament on the tree being perfect? All the wrapping paper matching? 12 types of cookies on the table??

I know I don’t! What I remember the most about Christmas……

The red elf that was one of my grandmother’s decorations (and how excited was I to find a few years ago Elf on a Shelf who was almost exactly the same, to share with my kids- turns out hers had simply been the decoration on top of a box of chocolates at one time. She liked it and kept it. ) I remember one set of grandparents always being there Christmas morning to watch us open out presents (I know realize as an adult they most likely brought most of them but that is another story). I remember going to my other grandmother’s small apartment with at least 20 of our aunts/uncles/cousins – the smell of the turkey, how full the house was but also the laughter, the card playing and the warmth that was in the room.  I remember my grandfather’s train that he lovingly, not out of anything but the joy in his heart to do it, placed under the tree every year.  I remember only a select few of my gifts.  But I do remember painstakingly choosing a porcelain ornament, from a huge box that someone was selling door to door, that my dad was allowing me to chose for my  mom for her gift.

I asked the kids the other day what they look forward to the most about Christmas. For K, it is our yearly ritual of piling in the car in our pajamas, to drive around looking at the Christmas lights and stopping to have hot chocolate on the way home.  For C, it is choosing his ornament of the year (they chose one every year to represent their interests for the year), putting the tree up and “seeing the expressions on people’s faces when they open their gifts”.  Man, I love these two.

We need to SLOW DOWN!

Have a glass of wine. Sit in front of the lit tree in the dark and take stock of our blessings.

What matters is foot-y pajama’d babes fresh from a bath, asking for a story. Sweet little voices singing in Christmas pageants. Do you think anyone there will remember that you brought store bought cookies?  Encouraging them to chose a gift for a loved one or perhaps for a child they don’t even know, all the while explaining the love of Christmas. Spending time as a family one afternoon, making a mess with flour and sugar to make cut out cookies or decorate gingerbread.  To take time to drive slowly and look at the lights on the street.  Slow down. Take stock of really matters. Pare down.

Christmas is not about the stuff. The doing.

Steven Curtis Chapman has it right…

“'Cause Christmas is all in the heart, that's where the feeling starts
And like a fire inside, it touches every part
'Cause Christmas is all in the heart
And even if no white snow falls, that's all right because
The joy can still be found, wherever you are
'Cause Christmas is all, all in the heart”

My most favorite tradition – right now anyway – is the first night after the tree is up. Sir Fartsalot and I always always always, turn off all the lights after the kids go to bed, and just sit there. Looking, talking, remembering Christmases past, talking about just anything,

just BEING together in the light.

Basking also in the light that came to this earth on a very special Christmas eve years ago.

THAT is what matters.

So much going on….

Just realized I never posted about the punching bag….

Thanksgiving….

our gourmet trip to NYC….

I have always loved the idea of living in the city, walking to get my daily groceries, and picking up fresh flowers for the table.

I said the “idea” – because you know what, I never did care for living in the city.

Fresh made cured meats at Murray’s Cheese shop. All I can say, the smell, the yum, *sigh*

Do not come between this man and his cannoli!

My cooking class… no pictures of that…but man, yummy memories!

Putting the tree up….

and lord knows what else in the last few weeks….

Oh yeah, gingerbread houses…..

Yes, those are the 3D glasses from Tangled earlier in the day. They popped the lenses out and wore them most of the night. Why? Don’t ask me!

and K and I are heading back to NYC tomorrow with my sister to spend the day! My first trip without a bus or organized group. Should be fun!! We are taking the ferry and have ALL day.  

I really need to catch up!

Just because…..

….I have no words lately…..

I spin posts in my head……think, I should write this or that….

than I sit down and got nothing…..

so instead, post cute pictures or adorable dogs!

Shameless Copy Cat…..

And because I couldn’t have said it better myself…..

From one of my favorite blogs…

www.coalcreekfarm/com

This, however , is one of MY children…not hers!

So, you want children?

Okay, but try this first.

• Go to bed, get all comfy and warm….have the fire alarm go off unpredictably all night.  Repeat this every night for at least 17 years.
• Take a bucket full of vomit and dump it in the back seat of your car, on your couch, all over your carpets, splash it down the front of your clothes and then put a few drops in the toilette.
• Take another bucket of vomit and soak all the bedding, towels, your clothes, your neighbor’s clothes and the cat in it until you have enough laundry to fill the entire house and keep you washing until the the next round of vomit…which will occur right after you make up all the beds with clean sheets.
• Okay, now you’re going to need some urine….put it in a spray bottle and have fun.
• Grab a couple of puppies, set them loose in your living room…leave the house for a few days.  They will simulate what a couple of kids can do to a room in a few minutes.
• Take a few of your precious collectibles and smash them to bits.
• Stain all your shirts with blood, paint, boogers…whatever is in the fridge.
• Cut a tiny hole in your curtains.
• Get a permanent marker…get to coloring!  Walls, floors, furniture, the entire world is your canvas.
• Buy all the Lego’s you can find in the world along with Matchbox cars, Barbie shoes, hair bows, tiny socks, candy wrappers, McDonald’s french fries, Goldfish crackers, Crayons and crushed granola bars: mix up in a tub and freely sprinkle the contents in your vehicle, garage, yard, under your bed, in your bed, under the cushions of your couch and every corner in your house….make sure you stand over floor vents and drop handfuls.
• Have a friend hide your shoes, all of them.  Wait until you’re ready to go to an important event to try to find them.
• Go on a long trip with a very loud and emotional person who will talk and cry and scream for the entire trip except for the quick nap they took right before you had to pull over to get gas…which caused them to wake up and be extremely irritable.
• When you stop to eat at a nice restaurant your travel companion tells you they forgot their shoes.
• Find a store to buy them some shoes.
• They will lose those shoes at some point during the trip and you will buy them three more pairs of shoes that are so ugly and cheap that you’re embarrassed to be with the person.
• They never lose the ugly shoes, they wear them everyday much to your dismay.
• Have someone call you to tell you they forgot their lunch at least three or four times a week.
• Put a sparkly unicorn sticker on the rear of your jeans and wear them in public all day.
• Take something sharp and scratch the crap out of your vehicle.
• Throw away three billion 5 dollar bills because that is what your children will need for this thing and that event and blah, blah, blah.
• Say the following every single day, “Put your shoes away. Pick up your jacket.  Eat your dinner. Pick up your toys. Flush the toilette.  Be nice to your brother.  Stop talking.  Listen to me.  Be quiet.  STOP!  NO!  We’ll see.  Maybe.  Go get your shoes.  Find your shoes.  Where are your shoes.  Why?  Go ask your father.  STOP IT!  I said NO! What did Mommy say?”  add a please and thank you occasionally until you realize it’s just a waste of your breath.
• Load and unload the dishwasher at least three times a day.
• Buy enough groceries to last a month, take them home.  Invite a teenager to come over and help himself to any food in the house.
• Go back to the grocery store…invite teenager….go back to the grocery store…invite teenager….
• Yell at a wall that it needs to get its room cleaned, wait for a response.  Yell some more.  Walk away defeated that the wall will never clean its room.
• Hope that the wall will move out of your house someday and have twenty of their own walls that never do anything you ask them to do.

If you can smile at the end of all of this…go start a family.

Mama’s Christmas Wish List

Shameless…..

Posting, just to try to win a prize….

So, all of you are subjected to this list….which I think are pretty neat questions to be answered anyway……

And hey, it’s $1000 GameStop gift card people!! Around these parts, that is GOLD !

Mama’s Holiday Wish List Meme

TodaysMama (link to: http://bit.ly/tmwishlist) and GameStop (link to: http://bit.ly/gamestop10) are giving away a sleighful of gifts this holiday season and to enter I’m sharing this meme with you.

1. What is your holiday wish for your family?

Considering the year we have had, I just wish an uneventful, peaceful holiday. Time spent together. Great memories and lots of love.

2. What is your Christmas morning tradition?

Hmmm…..the kids are always wearing their new pajamas. We make them sit on the steps and wait for us to “check if Santa was still here” – aka, turn on the tree, start the coffee, get the camera ready…..then we usually have breakfast with my sister and her family.

3. If you could ask Santa for one, completely decadent wish for yourself, what would it be?

Hmmm…one wish for myself would be the next entire year to be drama free!! But if you are talking material things……hhmmmm….how about a nice long trip to Italy and Greece, filled with wine, olives and good cheese!?

4. How do you make the holidays special without spending any money?

We started a tradition when the kids were small. We  put  our jammies on, and warm slippers, climb in the car one night before Christmas and drive around looking at the Christmas lights. I guess if you count that we usually stop for hot chocolate, we do some “some” money but very little. They kids, even now as teens, still ask when we are going.

5. What games did you play with your family growing up?

The only thing I really remember, that was played when I was smaller was pinochle at family holidays. My sister and I used to call it pig-a-nuckle. When we got older, we played game after game of Rummy 500 or Uno with my grandmother. When I was in high school I used to go over almost every saturday and we would play two handed pinochle, or Trivia Pursuit.  She was the only one who ever really took the time to sit down and play with us most of the time.  I do also remember, my other grandparents had a dice bowling game that we used to play with each other when we were there.

6. What holiday tradition have you carried on from your own childhood? 

I really don’t remember anything we did regularly for a “tradition” as a kid. We wound up at my grandparents for dinner at every holiday….we don’t even usually do that now.  I hope I have started plenty of tradition for my kids.

7. Where would you go for a Christmas-away-from-home trip?

Disney! I would love to see the holiday decorations. Or NYC. I think that would be cool at Christmas. Just me and hubby? Some place WARM!  

8. Check out GameStop (link to: http://bit.ly/gamestop10) and tell us, what are the three top items on your GameStop Wish List this year?

In which I wallow…..

Oh yeah.

My blog.

 

Let’ s put my frame

of mind into reference -

my camera has not been out of the bag since Halloween.

Yeah.

Two full weeks ago.

All year, I have wrestled and fought against the wallowing.

The last year, since last fall, have been challenging to say the least.

Starting with my finally starting appropriate therapy for my hip and leg as a result of the accident the year before…..

The first hint of K’s melt downs and depression, in which I let everyone convince me was “normal teenage crap”….

Sir Fartsalot got his first new job in 20 years,

I took on a second job in November, and worked both for the next few months…..

Sir Fartsalot “suprises” me with yet another new job change I think it was in March, I don’t quite remember.

Along with that comes another new insurance, etc.

K starts cutting and having more melt downs in I think April….

So by May I was getting used to my new job, when I finally did leave home care completely. So totally new job change for me,

I was adjusting to working two nights a week, managing melt downs on my cell phone in the storage room if I wasn’t home for one, taking K to therapy one night a week and still trying to finish up my weight loss group one night a week.

yeah, I know, many many women do it, and do it well…..

Frankly, I started unraveling at the seams. But fought it.

The end of school came, I graduated from weight group and finally had an extra night to be home….

Disney came and went, Relay came and went, 4th of July and my nephew moving in….nothing I wouldn’t do again in a heart beat…but I did not anticipate how much would change….

and the rest of the summer is a blur.

K’s meltdowns escalate when school starts again and we finally see the adolescent psychiatrist we waited 5 months to see…..with frustrating results so far.

I am running out of steam. Finding meds that work is not going well. Side effects are horrific.

Nightmares, melt downs, rage episodes from one medicine. Wanting to sleep constantly from another.

I haven’t scrapbook since  the winter. I can’t clear my head enough to relax to do it.

Spending time together over the summer has kept us all sane I think. Trying to make some fun, and choosing to focus on that has helped.  It is getting harder and harder though. If we don’t’ find some relief for her soon, I fear I may need some medication too. we walk on egg shells anticipating the melt downs,and then there are glimpses of the old K, the smiles and bounciness,  the happy forced family fun days, that lull us into thinking things are getting better, than wham things hit me in the face again.

I wrote this post nearly exactly two years ago. I could write it again today I guess.

I have discovered who needs me for what I can do for them, and who needs me just for me.  There are a lot of days I just have no more to give and no energy for dealing with anything outside the four walls of my house. The urge to cocoon myself at times in incredible.

To say this has not been an easy year, is an understatement. I have tried to write a gratitude post on Facebook every day this month, to refocus  on the positive of my struggles. Maybe I should repost them here with some pictures. My struggles are no worse than anyone else’s, but they are mine. As I can never attest to knowing how anyone else feels, no one else can say they know how I feel, or how I should or should not deal with things.  But there are plenty giving their opinions that is for sure. (If one more person tells me I just “need some time to myself” – I will scream. Because you know what? I can’t relax enough to enjoy it,and when I get home, it is all still here) And there is no one that truly knows everything we have been through this year. There is a lot K has asked me not to share and I have to respect that.  Sir Fartsalot has tried so much to find happy fun things to do and is sending me on a gourmet food tour sunday, in which I asked him to join me, so we can spend some time doing something fun together, alone. That may help a bit.

There is a lot of happy in this year too.  And to those memories I cling, knowing we will again, find some balance. I am looking so forward to the “new” year and the promise of renewal and change. But I don’t want to wish away the holiday season either. Thanksgiving plans are already changed from our “usual”, much to Sir Fartsalot dismay and the family I was hoping to see, and made the arrangements to see, can now not be here. Yet another disappointment in the year.

There you have it, my 5 minutes in which  I allow myself to wallow.

Onward and upward, where else is there to go? Hopefully, I will unwrap myself soon.