Pretending

Quote I saw today - can't give credit as there was none there where I found it....

Pretending to be a normal person day after day is exhausting.

I think it was meant to be funnier than I took it.( I think we are supposed to envision funny sill crazy people pretending to be averge joes)
There are times with my depression that this rings so much truer than it ever should. I try not to sugar coat too much of my life, but there are also those days when you just wake up, paste on that smile because you have to, and pretend that everything is ok. I tend to be a very upbeat person. I try anyway. I like to have a bit of fun here and there, tease and enjoy talking to people. Than there is that other % that sometimes grows larger than I prefer, when I would give anything to just stay in bed and cry. But my happy me is under there, so most times it is just a matter of swallowing the depression, and letting the happy,up beat, encouraging me come back up. Sometimes the triggers take me by surprise. So many people so many times after looks of surprise and shock at learning that I do indeed have depression, say, "I would never have been able to tell, you are so happy all the time" - ahhhh there is the trick. Pretending can be fun. Pretending can be stressful. And sometimes pretending makes me feel better. I manage well without medication when I can eat right,e xercise and have some time to myself. Since I am not doing any of those things right now, the last few weeks have been a roller coaster. It is a struggle daily to decide which way it is going to go.

I have learned along the way I need to appreciate every day. One way I am trying to simplify and be more grateful, is by starting a gratitude journal. I am so not good at daily, so I am making it weekly. I think I may post here, and encourage anyone reading to do the same. Would love to hear some of the things everyone is appreciative of. And one rule I am making for myself, is that I can not list family, friends and home. Too easy....my other goal is to break J or some of his gloomy gus habits. I am seeing more and more of that in K as well and don't like it. Not that he mopes all the time, but he does tend to point out the list of negatives in a situation and all the reasons, why to "not" instead of looking past it and seeing what can be fun about something. I tend to see the fun, positives, and want to try new things - when he is happy to stay right where he is surrounded by the familiar and safe. He is not adventurous in the least. I can see it in K too. I want her so much more want to explore, enjoy, experience, instead of not trying just because it is easier and safer. Wish me luck!