Back and thinking again

We are back from the beach. My apologies - all the pictures are on J's work laptop. Shhhh...don't tell we used it all weekend. ::wink::: So this is a picture-less post. ::gasp:: say it isn't so! But I had to get this memory out of my head and here before I forget it.

Once again proof, I think too much.

One evening when we were on vacation, K wanted ice cream, and no one else did, so we ducked into the Ben and Jerry's (for the first and last time I might add. Can you say WAY TOO expensive!? Holy cow, pun intended...how do they get away with it!) Since C and I didnt' want anything we chose to sit in the chairs that line the store and wait while J took K into the line to order. As I sat there and people watched, one of my favorite things to do, I noticed the couple standing in line right behind J and K. And it dawned on me - they were a perfectly aged version of J and I! They were dressed very similar to us (Even K pointed out that the woman's blouse was just like mine) and she even had a perfect pedi and toe rings with her cool sandals. Husband in denim shorts, and a t with sneakers, just like J's "uniform" I call it. So I giggled to myself, and thought, - ok so we will still be cute in say another 15 years.....I whispered to him, and he agreed. He was even rubbing her back absentmindedly like J often does to me if we are standing nextg to each other. It was a nice couple moment between us. Then - I realized right behind them, was a pefectly coifed, I would say early 20's something young gal. Cute sundress, matchy matchy purse, make up done, nails done, hair perfect, matching sandals, and with her was her just as perfectly coifed and primped partner/husband whichever. And it dawned on me, we USED to be that. THAT used to matter. When we took vacations, we didn't go out every night until my make up was perfect, and I had my hair done. I packed perfectly matching outfits down to the hair accesories. I used to bring 20 pair of shoes! Quite the contrast to how I packed this year I can tell you that! And what seemed so important then, is so NOT important now. The contrast to those two couples just solidified to me, how we change without even really realizing it. Now - I still care about my appearance, prefer not to leave the house without my hair done, and *some* make up on, but the "image" is so not important any more. You will never see me in a mumu in public and I like to think even as I get older, I will dress appropriately for my age, but still hip, and contemporary. But perfection does not matter any more. I am so grateful I have grown enough to be comfortable enough with myself that it so does not matter anymore. With age does come maturity on so many different levels. While I would love my 20 something body back, I certain would never want that insecure young woman back - so I will embrace my maturity and look forward to being "that couple" , hopefully that everyone looks at and says, "Isn't it sweet that they still hold hands" in another 15 years!

Outta here

Quick stop in NC to visit my brother - love that....and we will be here........

doing silly things like this ...........

by Saturday afternoon!!

Taking the new camera and the laptop to download.

..so I might just be able to post from the road.

Proof

This post will probably be proof that I think way too much. But , I guess there are worse things to be doing with my time!

First - some shots I too this morning with my NEW camera!

This is Zoey, looking rather more box-ery than usual. She and I are totally digging her tie dye bandanna, and feeling very Jimmy Buffet today. The one thing I wanted most in this new camera was zoom to "sneak" up on my subjects. She had no idea I was even bothering to take her picture. Love that!This is the tallest sunflower in my garden. It is taller than me. I was standing up on the upper deck to take this picture. The gold finches that live in the lilac bush, have been over having a snack on the flower every day.

Then this is from my same distance. I just turned a bit to get the sun behind the flowers. This is the top of the same sunflower. LOOVE the new zoom!

And the flowers bring me to the thoughts that were running through my head last night. I took on the task of deadheading and weeding my flower beds. With the horrible heat and humidity we have been having, this has been sorely neglected. I have at least 7 huge bushes of Shasta daisy. One thing to know about Shasta's is that once their initial blooming period is over, the heads turn brown and they are frankly ugly. New buds will eventually come in, but not well if you don't dead head the old flowers. So, as I was grumbling to myself last night, as it took almost two hours to completed the task, and getting mad at myself for letting it go. It occurred to me.

I was more than willing to enjoy the flowers, but less than happy (last night) to put in the work that is required to see those beautiful flowers. Normally this is a happy chore for me , but after the first 3 bushes I was a bit weary of cutting.

Anything that is worth anything to us as humans requires tending - relationships as well. The most beautiful house, or most expensive car, or most ornate flower garden will soon be dilapidated without care and attention. Isn't that how it is with our personal relationships as well? So many folks want to enjoy the fruits of a happy marriage or great relationship with their children, but are not willing to put in the time and effort required to "tend" those flowers. My marriage has needed some extra tending in the last few months. Thankfully, J and I are willing to take the time to pay attention to us, and what we need. Most of it requiring patiance on my part. Many people in this day and age, stop and look around at their "garden" and decide it is much easier to pick up and start another one, than to stay and "weed" the one they already started. One lesson I that was reinforced last night with my flowers is that it is much easier to tend to a task in small daily incremements, than it is to wait until it is overgrown and attempt to clear it out. The same goes for our loved ones. They need daily attention and tending - in other words time. I try my best to take time every day to be with my husband and children, just spend time listening, cuddling or just being there. I am watering my "flowers", pulling "weeds", gently "fertilizing" those relationships.

One of the most powerful things someone has said to me, was years ago - an online friend of mine said this - paraphrased by me because I can't remember the exact wording.....

People need to stop looking over the fence coveting everyone else's garden, and turn around and start pulling the weeds in their own garden.

Happy happy!

Mine mine mine, all mine.

This little baby is in it's box right now, awaiting me to free it and begin taking some pictures!

J. and I RARELY treat ourselves to anything not in the budget. And right now, we can think of at least 30 other things this money could be used to purchase, but you know what? Sometimes you just gotta live in the moment. Just do what you want, instead of what you have to do! We have been pinching pennies for K's therapy, and he has been working 60 hours a week, so there is a bit of extra in the checking at the moment, and when our little point and shoot digital started acting funny the other day, has been sucking battery power for months now and vacation looming - we threw caution to the wind, and came home with this today.

Not the digital SLR either of us wanted, but when we really sat down and evaluated the features, and how many of them we would really honestly use, we couldn't justify paying twice as much and only using the features we could get on this smaller camera. This one is 8.1 mps, plenty for what we use it for, has the zoom(15X Plus 25X digital zoom) I want without having to buy extra lenses, plus it has the sport feature for action shots and a hard drive memory to take repetetive shots, as well as use in case your memory card gets full or, (gasp) for get it. It's light and the features are easy to navigate. The lens is a Carl Zeiss, which must be special because it is copy righted and they make a big deal out of the name on the information. (see how much I know!) It has image stabilizer, and a video capability in HD if we want. I am sure there are dozens more features I haven't even read about yet. But these were the ones that were important to us.

We got 7 good years, for the $200 we spent on the other point and shoot. Can't beat that. We'll keep it around until it dies completely. Whenever we buy something that is more expensive I extrapolate the cost over the length of time we will use it. Makes it seem so much more reasonable. We had J's old Minolta SLR out last night. Man. Memories. Most of our dating memories we captured through that camera's lens. He bought that in 1984. The kids were amazed. Film? What's film? We are really raising a generation that will never know what developing film was like. K was 7 when we bought the digital. So, she really doesn't remember my old point and shoot film camera. What do you mean you can't see the picture after you take it? Man, it is heavy too! J used to walk with that thing around his neck everywhere when we met. Now I have to shove the camera in his hand and get him to take some pictures. He knows all that lens stuff, and never uses it. Our camera has been set on manual and never moved since the day we got it. My goal is to learn a bit more about some of the shutter settings, and things to maybe take some more in depth shots.

So off I go....to hang the laundry, fold some clothes, finish a birthday project for a friend, vacuum...and oh yeah - play with my camera! Which do you think I will do first?

Forgiveness

There hasn't been much on my mind lately, Using up all my energy just "doing" summer. Helping my best friend with her new scrapbook store. Keeping the kids occupied. Seeing Brad Paisley in concert with a great friend. Resolving "issues" at home. You know. The normal "woman of the new millenium" stuff.

I was reading a blog today that I haven't read in awhile. This gal has an incredible gift for the written word, and sharing her faith and emotion in the written word.
This quote struck me.

"I know that part of the healing that we have all been praying for has to be the healing that comes from forgiving ourselves for not being able to do all that we wished we could have done. That while we were juggling, as women constantly do, some of the things we were juggling fell to the floor when life told us that we only had the capacity to juggle the very most important things…."

I think she put into words the source of 90% of any mom or grown woman's "guilt". I highly doubt there is any mother/wife/daughter that has not had some "mommy guilt" - that feeling of knowing you are making the best decision for that moment, but you keep being tweeked by that nagging feeling that maybe it wasn't the right one. Taking care of one thing, means neglecting another. Anyone who has ever had to take care of an ill parent or grandparent fights with that, "I should be with my kids", or "I should be at home doing this or that feeling". Or you have to make that tough choice, that upsets everyone at the moment, but you know in the long run is the right. It dawned on me as I read her quote, that most of my guilt is just that - the feeling that I could have done a better job of "keeping it all together". Could I be doing better for my kids right now? Am I making the right choices? I am taking care of everything the best that they deserve or just the best that I can? Am I giving it all my effort or just "enough"? Could I have been there more for this person or that person? I used to sit a lot and wonder if I could have handled the year and a half my mom was sick much better. Did I give my kids enough during that time? I wrestled with the guilt of barely remembering C's baby milestones, cause I was so wrapped up in mom's illness, hospitalizations and appts. Did K's ADD and anxiety blossom during that time? Could I have done something different?

Of course the most wonderful gift in the world is the ability to forgive ourselves for dropping a few balls every now and then, and that is exactly what Melody is talking about. NO one can possibly do it all, and do it all well. We personally have to make the choice to take care of one thing, possibly neglecting another. How many of us pray for ourselves? and how often do you pray that God will let you let go of that guilt and forgive yourself? I know I need to do it more often. I do pray for guidance often. My problem is being sure and now constantly second guessing that guidance! Yes, I consider it a personal flaw that I blame myself for a lot, and take a lot on my own shoulders. I admit it. My nature I guess. I do not spend nearly as much time in the "if only's" as I used to, and that is a personal accomplishment for me. I have also grown to realize that taking time for myself, is one of the best things I can do for my family. Every now and then we have to gently put down all the balls and concentrate on ourselves. I take care of all the important things of course before I leave, but I need that time to be mentally healthy, and when I am mentally healthy, we are all much happier.

This of course is just my personal interpretation of her writing. If you want to read the entire thing, head over here - http://www.melodyross.typepad.com/ and check her out. Pretty amazing story of faith and perserverence of their family.