Forgiveness

There hasn't been much on my mind lately, Using up all my energy just "doing" summer. Helping my best friend with her new scrapbook store. Keeping the kids occupied. Seeing Brad Paisley in concert with a great friend. Resolving "issues" at home. You know. The normal "woman of the new millenium" stuff.

I was reading a blog today that I haven't read in awhile. This gal has an incredible gift for the written word, and sharing her faith and emotion in the written word.
This quote struck me.

"I know that part of the healing that we have all been praying for has to be the healing that comes from forgiving ourselves for not being able to do all that we wished we could have done. That while we were juggling, as women constantly do, some of the things we were juggling fell to the floor when life told us that we only had the capacity to juggle the very most important things…."

I think she put into words the source of 90% of any mom or grown woman's "guilt". I highly doubt there is any mother/wife/daughter that has not had some "mommy guilt" - that feeling of knowing you are making the best decision for that moment, but you keep being tweeked by that nagging feeling that maybe it wasn't the right one. Taking care of one thing, means neglecting another. Anyone who has ever had to take care of an ill parent or grandparent fights with that, "I should be with my kids", or "I should be at home doing this or that feeling". Or you have to make that tough choice, that upsets everyone at the moment, but you know in the long run is the right. It dawned on me as I read her quote, that most of my guilt is just that - the feeling that I could have done a better job of "keeping it all together". Could I be doing better for my kids right now? Am I making the right choices? I am taking care of everything the best that they deserve or just the best that I can? Am I giving it all my effort or just "enough"? Could I have been there more for this person or that person? I used to sit a lot and wonder if I could have handled the year and a half my mom was sick much better. Did I give my kids enough during that time? I wrestled with the guilt of barely remembering C's baby milestones, cause I was so wrapped up in mom's illness, hospitalizations and appts. Did K's ADD and anxiety blossom during that time? Could I have done something different?

Of course the most wonderful gift in the world is the ability to forgive ourselves for dropping a few balls every now and then, and that is exactly what Melody is talking about. NO one can possibly do it all, and do it all well. We personally have to make the choice to take care of one thing, possibly neglecting another. How many of us pray for ourselves? and how often do you pray that God will let you let go of that guilt and forgive yourself? I know I need to do it more often. I do pray for guidance often. My problem is being sure and now constantly second guessing that guidance! Yes, I consider it a personal flaw that I blame myself for a lot, and take a lot on my own shoulders. I admit it. My nature I guess. I do not spend nearly as much time in the "if only's" as I used to, and that is a personal accomplishment for me. I have also grown to realize that taking time for myself, is one of the best things I can do for my family. Every now and then we have to gently put down all the balls and concentrate on ourselves. I take care of all the important things of course before I leave, but I need that time to be mentally healthy, and when I am mentally healthy, we are all much happier.

This of course is just my personal interpretation of her writing. If you want to read the entire thing, head over here - http://www.melodyross.typepad.com/ and check her out. Pretty amazing story of faith and perserverence of their family.