All Heart

 

Mostly for documentation for myself – so years from now, when I say, “when did I start with that problem?” – I can look back and say, “oh yeah, Feb 2012!”

I am not a whiner. I try hard not to be.

As if this was not enough….

Yes,  it was elective surgery, but the need to actually bend my toe/foot, squat and walk without pain, far out weighed my intense fear that it would just be worse after surgery.

And then I was FINALLY able to get into these…..

Yes, REAL shoes. Not slippers……

It was only a matter of weeks until…..

A stress fracture in my newly walking foot, meant Frankenboot entered my life.

I was just getting out of that, nearly ready to begin walking again, and getting back to normal….

My heart has decided to get into the action.

They say things come in three’s, so hopefully this is the third item, and my run is over.

I have been feeling “off” for a few weeks. Of course looking back now I can see it, but at the time, I was the typical woman/working mom/wife, and blamed every symptom on something else. “Must not have eaten enough today”, “I’ve been too inactive lately” “Need to cut back on the caffeine” – which I did after realizing in January that my heart rate was a bit higher than it should be. Cut out the caffeine and didn’t think about my heart after that.  Light headed spells and fatigue…..ignore ignore ignore.

Well, the ol’ ticker decided to make itself heard last week- possibly aggravated by a cold I had.  I got very dizzy at work on Wed night, not feeling well, and grabbed the pulse ox to just see what was going on. My heart rate shocked me. I think it was close to 130 or something then. Felt tired, light headed, and just “not right” all night. Kept the pulse ox home with me, and monitored. Became clear I should most likely see the doctor since even “at rest” I was running 100-110. Normal is 70-80. A trip to the bathroom sent me up to 130-140 at times.

Couldn’t get in to see the doctor Thursday because I HAD to take The Brat for a scheduled tour of the art dept at Millersville University. “I’ll be fine” Bad idea. By the time we got home, it was pretty clear that something was not right. yet I tried to wait until I could see my doctor Friday.

4 am Friday morning, I woke up with a heart rate near 140, and got scared. We waited for the kids to go to school, and secretly hit the ER. I got scared. Wanted to make sure I was not in any immediate danger.

Nothing scares you more when they use the words “Pulmonary Embolus” in the list of your possible diagnoses. My recent surgery and immobilization moved me up on that list. THANKFULLY, that, and all other “life threatening causes” were ruled out. They had done their job, and  discharged home to rest until I could follow up with my doctor Monday. They did give me a beta blocker, which I decided not to take until I could see the doc, I wanted to be sure not to mask anything he may have to see/hear or if any testing needed to be done, or take a strong cardiac med unless I truly needed it……he agreed.

There is a strong extensive history of female heart disease on both sides of my gene pool. You would think that would make me extra diligent in my health and fitness. But the reality is that it is also a mental game, one which I do not play well. I was not raised on the premise of health food and gym memberships. No one in my family “exercised” except my grandmother did walk diligently.  I was raised on lard, sugar, fresh baked bread and King syrup, by teenage parents, frozen entrees, and ice cream. I do not remember ever eating a piece of fresh fruit beyond an apple, until I was in college, and “salad” was iceberg lettuce, smothered in full fat dressing.  Chicken was fried , not grilled. Beef was roasted and covered in gravy. Breakfast was pancakes and bacon, sugared cereal or eggs. I ate candy bars for breakfast and fudgesicles for lunch in high school.  Thankfully I have always been active and could control my weight with that until I got older.

After losing my mom, and trying to cope with two toddlers at home, suffering depression and trying to smother the pain in food, I have now battled my weight and personal demons for 15 years. 

I am not going to lie. This week SCARED me.

It is not over yet. I am still awaiting test results to determine if the problem is “benign” and requiring only medication, as the doctor believes, or something else all together. Basically, if I sit and do nothing, I can feel fairly fine. A shower can make me feel like I just ran a mile.

I have lost the same 50 lbs, every three years for the last 15 years.  Three years ago, was the healthiest I have ever been, felt wonderful, and just couldn’t maintain. I am good at losing or gaining, not staying.

This week, with the reality glaring in my face, I had to come to some realizations. There is a lot about my genetics and life that I can not control. BUT, there is plenty I can. My weight and activity level being one of them. 

No unrealistic vows.

No ultimatums.

They don’t work.

I just need to get a grip, and do the best I can.

No excuses.

The reality is, if I don’t do it, I will not be the grandmother to my grandchildren that I want to be. I want to be the grandmother my children never got to have in their lives and the one my mom wanted to be. (My MIL is awesome but 4 hours away).

So maybe if I pin this picture (none of me in the bed allowed) on the frig, it will remind me of the cost of neglecting myself and my body. And the possibility of this problem improving if I get healthier.

I want to feel this good again…..and it was only 2 years ago….

Tuesday Ten

Since I was forbidden to buy any cards for Sir Fartsalot this year – see #10 – because that money would buy an extra drink or two Saturday night at dinner, I thought I would come embarrass him  profess my undying tolerance  love here.

#10 – You can pinch a penny farther than anyone I know. From scraping every last drop of ketchup out of a cut off bottle, to taking your wife out with a coupon, you know how to save a buck! You are diligent in your research for anything we buy or do. But that frugal nature has blessed us with things that we could not afford otherwise.

#9 – You annoy the heck out of the kids and live to make them whine, but they love and give it right back.

#8 – You are if nothing else, very predictable in a comforting, yet at times in an annoying way. When you like something, you stick to it. Thankfully, that includes me.

 

#7 -  You are a hard worker, even though your tendency to work too much has been the subject of many marital arguments, I am glad you feel the need to provide for all of us so well. From what I am told, you take after your grandfather in this way. 

#6 – You are very finicky spoiled and I may tease you about everything having to be “just so”, but I love to spoil you.

#5 – Also the source of many arguments  much pride, you are a devoted friend, and will help anyone anytime.

#4 – you are pretty darn good looking.

#3 – You will pretend the cardboard race car Little Dude made you for your birthday was the best thing ever.

#2 – you put your own feelings aside, to let us get a puppy.

#1 – You put up with me, my quirks, my pushing to do new things, testing your limits, making you be outside your comfort zone, but loving you no matter what.

40 words

There is an option in our daughter’s yearbook, to publish a “baby” picture of them, and write a note to them below.

…..for a mere $50…I get 40 words…..50 words went up to $85 and I am not even going to tell you how much I could pay to take out a full page. Yes, you read that correctly, there is an option for a FULL page letter to your senior, that they will not see until the fall when the yearbook is printed……

Seriously, if I have that much to say to my child, I will

A- just tell them.

B- most likely not want the entire student body to read it.

But I digress…..

I let her chose the picture.

My favorite of her is of course not scanned.

Here’s just a few, I had fun reminiscing.

Sometimes when you have dealt with the things we have dealt with in the last year and a half, it is difficult to remember “happy”.

The Brat was such a happy silly smiling toddler.

She adored her brother and they still get along so well.

I absolutely LOVED this outfit. She was “helping” Daddy build that railing.

How do you put all of this, into 40 words??

The memories, the emotion, the journey to senior year and graduation has not been an easy one for her.

This is the photo she chose.

Another of my favorites, that shows her personality.

Tutu and sneakers. Crown and chocolate covered face.

Glance over her shoulder.

And this is what I chose to write. I was *almost* willing to pay for 50 more words!

She hasn’t seen this yet, and won’t until next year.

K ~

Your path has certainly not been easy, or straight,

but you have always found your way.

We admire your strength, courage

and loving spirit.

You keep our lives interesting,

and we wouldn’t have it any other way!

Love you more,

Mom and Dad

 

“Enjoy every second”

 

A recent blog post that has been circulating around Facebook has got me to thinking, and when I get to thinking, I tend to need to write it down.

Don't Carpe Diem

The piece really struck a cord with me, because very similar to her, I did not enjoy “every second” of mothering my children when they were young. There were times I didn’t enjoy entire days.

There, I said it.

Outloud.

Dude was 18 months old when my mom died. I was pregnant with him when she was diagnosed and started treatment. The Brat was 4, when she lost her grandmother. I spent the better part of the early years of my children’s  lives also coping with long term illness and death of parent. Juggling being there for her, parenting, working, and entertaining two small children often in a hospital room or her bedside, and then coping with the loss of the one person who was cheerleader, no matter what.  I was 30 years old and faced with coping and also raising my children at the same time.

I spent the better part of the next year, denying I needed help, and a year after that finally getting help for the depression I suffered.

I have eventually progressed, figured out what I need to do to feel happy and at peace. Although the specter of depression still haunts me around corners when I least expect it, I have learned to cope. 

I have spent a lot of time since those dark years, wondering how my own journey has affected my children. Is their ADD connected? Is The Brat’s depression and anxiety a result? I will never know.

I spent countless hours feeling like a less than worthy mother. Many articles, and at the time, “mommy message boards” (My generation’s version of “social media” I guess you would say.  we didn’t have mommy bloggers. We had Yahoo message boards like, “moms of 3’s! Always full of mom’s spouting moment after perfect moment. ) – the very places we often reached out for support, were the places where we could quickly feel less than worthy because everyone else seemed to be doing it better and happier than I was!  Mommy bloggers today, all be it with exceptions, are still blowing sunshine and rainbows out their rears, presenting only the “Oh look what I did aren’t I a perfect mom?” moments, instead of being honest.

I spent  many moments, naively, wishing away my children’s childhood because at that moment,

it.was.so.damn.hard.

Only to realize now, the moments I thought would be “so much easier”, are simply difficult in their own way.

I know and understand now, that I did the best I could.

But, as this author points out, there are those moments of clarity, when you feel the peace and joy of the moment, and you feel like you are doing ok. And sometimes as a young mother, those are the only thing that keep you moving forward and make it all *worth it*.

BUT – that being said, that was not the only part of the post that has stood out to me.

*I* have become….

“An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."”

Although I will take exception to the term “older” – and will just assume it is referencing the fact that I am older than the author and no longer have small children at home.

I have spoken those very words. I believe I do usually delete “every” because I am realistic enough to know you can’t enjoy EVERY moment. I mean, seriously, does any one enjoy EVERY moment of anything?

But I am *that* woman. ACK!

Age seems to have given me some sort of amnesia. Perhaps, it is similar to “labor amnesia” that allows to forget the pain and struggle of child birth, so that we would continue to procreate, otherwise every woman would stop at one child.

She is right. I am well meaning. The time does go fast.

I feel the need to tell her that.

Soon enough, she’ll be dealing with car dates instead of temper tantrums.

She’ll go from homework battles, to college applications.

And it is going to feel like a blink of an eye.

What I remember most , is not being “in the moment” enough. Rather than getting frustrated by my children’s behavior, I wish I had take time to simply take it in, laugh about it, and accept it for what it was – a moment in time. I wish someone had told a younger me about “kairos” time.

Is the fact that my son spilled his soda all over the table when he was three going to make a difference 10 years from now?? It is much more important to me that he learn to say thank you to the waitress that came to help is clean up. I can see that now. what did I see then? Embarrassment and frustration more than likely.

Maybe that is what I am trying to get the younger mom to understand.

I will try to be more aware of what I say and do. I always brush off any apologies a young mother makes if her child is making some noise in a grocery line, or bumped into me, or been in my way, because I understand, it is not as big a deal to me, as she thinks it is. I have been there. Children do things that you can not control, no matter how hard you try.

I want her to know it is ok.

I want her to know that no matter how she feels now, she is going to miss these days.

How do you verbalize that?  How do you put all of that into one statement?

I guess we can’t. So we say what is easy,

“Enjoy them. The time goes so fast”.

I guess there are just some things that come with age, and experience, and no matter how you try, you can’t understand until you have passed that moment in time.

Sometimes I just wish we could freeze those moments in time.

Four eyed Fishes

So – let’s just add to the

“yeah, I am over 40” list…

I am attempting to laugh in the face of aging.

The fight is not going well.

But , at least I am in good company…….

The Brat has had glasses since elementary school.

yeah, she’ll kill me for this one….

Dude did just get his too, even though he had 30/20 vision just a year ago……

(and yes, he is very proud of the number of compliments he got on his shirt today…he plans on wearing it to NYC to see Wicked for his school trip, along with the jacket that he wore for Halloween. “So it looks like a suit” and you know what? He’ll pull it off and look “dorky cool” )

Can’t blame his on age though. We are attempting to blame the laptop.

He can join me in cursing out age.

I also should point out I had to pry the big round John Denver glasses out of his hands. When did the man I married become such a fuddy duddy?

I have been making excuses for the last year…..

That darn guide on the brand.new.huge.tv is out of focus….

Man, those reflective street signs make driving at night tough…..

Teehee…..guess it wasn’t the signs?

Then, Sir Fartsalot went and got vision insurance, and every excuse I had flew out the window.

My accident right before my 40th birthday, resulting in the chronic hip pain, I have never had before…..

the spur on my foot requiring surgery….

Now this……

Nothing I HAVE to have, I CAN *see* without them. I have discovered however that seeing is far more pleasant WITH them on.

I try SO hard to not act of feel my age and most of the time I do. Growing old is a privilege denied to many.

But -

This year, I turn the age, that my mom was when she was diagnosed with her cancer……

Been difficult enough facing that milestone….

and want to know one of things I remember about my mom in her early 40’s? The year or two before she was diagnosed??

….. the acquisition of her need for glasses……

 

Just.like.me.

Just.like.her.

She hated them, and if I remember right didn’t wear them as often as she was supposed to.

Normally that does not bother me at all. I enjoy compliments that I am “just like your mom”.

I have been trying to push it out of my head.

But it’s always there.

Just.like.your.mom.

But for now, I will enjoy actually being able to see and appreciate the world around me.  Pretend I am young and hip in my Randy Jackson frames.

If I try to buy the clip on sun shade, please jump me and rip them out of my hands.

Cause you know, the next step is tucking my shirt into a pair of mom jeans.

Thursday Thirteen

Major catch up post here! 13 rhymes with Thursday, and tomorrow is Friday the 13th, so 13 it is!!

1.  I hate winter.

2. How totally cool is this?

Gotta love a sale, and a 20% off coupon at BB&B!

I tried Spritz cookies for the first time. My grandmother’s were more “rollers and droppers” than something fancy requiring a tool like a press. A new friend introduced me to the recipe and I tried them without the press, but they were just not the same……

No one showed much interest this year, in helping me with the cookies, until……this one saw the “cookie caulk gun”……he was suddenly all about helping…..

and look!

He’s good!! Real good!! Got the hang it faster than I did!!

Reason #9316 why I love my kids!

3. I am really tired of Cottonelle trying to convince me that some how my extra roll of TP is embarrassed to be seen “naked”.  Mine actually hang out together nicely in a cute basket, thankyouverymuch. I do not need one more thing to spend my money on! Soon there will once again be a fake barbie doll and crochet skirt ala 1972 on the back of all of toilets again!

4. *Sigh*

Love him.

5. My foot is coming along. Not where I would like to be at this point at all, but getting better.  It has been so long since I walked properly on it, I am now dealing with all the other joints and tissues in my foot hurting from starting to try to walk again. But , hey , it hurts anyway, might as well walk!

6.  Oh yeah, my 31 days of giving went well. I gave up trying to document what I was doing. It just felt to self serving and narcissistic to me. I do some of that on my own when not challenged, so it felt weird to draw attention to it.

7.  A friend’s daughter is traveling to Tanzania to work in an orphanage there, and needs some help. If it is in your heart, consider helping. 

The Kit Project

I absolutely admire her for the desire to be so adventurous especially at her age. I never would have been brave enough, and even now, as much as I like to think so, and Haiti calls me now and again, I don’t know if I could go.

8.

 

as much as they tried to act all, “I’m too cool for Christmas” as best they could. They were excited.

Dude laid in bed til 8 am, when he was “allowed” to get up. And just like he did all the years he was small, waited at the top step while we dressed. I didn’t even tell him. He just stayed there. Made me smile inside that all these little traditions, still matter a little bit.

9. And it appears….that this little guy….

Will be staying with us……

These two , are adjusting to the idea. Zoey is actually great with him. But she is so sweet, it doesn’t surprise me.

10.  Notice anything??

 

Dude has joined the glasses club. And mom and dad are not far behind. He is very happy, he can now see the tv, and his video games. Oh, and yeah, the whiteboard at school!

11. Spent the day in Philadelphia NY Eve day.

We took a break at a neat courtyard across from city hall. It had huge game pieces scattered around.

Yes, he is big enough to throw his sister over his shoulder.

12.  Second to the garden, and flowers, I can not resist photographing buildings, skylines, and architecture.  I love the contrast of old and new in the city. I could walk around looking up all day long. I would probably fall in a manhole however!

Old reflected in New.

13. Wheew. I think I am caught up!  Semester starts next week. LAST one. By June, I will have my DPT – Doctorate of Physical Therapy. Wow. That sounds pretty darn cool. It’s been more challenging than I expected. But I have loved the research, the readings….glad I decided to do it. Just in time for The Brat to graduate and we’ll send her off to college!

One foot in front of the other…..

Christmas totally kicked my butt and I have had so many thoughts to blog, yet, they drift off when I sit down.

Remember last year, when I got one of these around Christmas, and it cheered me up in January?

I got another one.

because when I see her sitting on the window sill every morning, smiling at me, I can’t help but smile.

Slowly, coming out of the Christmas funk, one step at a time.

Today is a painful day for many of my friends. My heart aches for them, and this time of year my heart aches for me too. Christmas is a tough tough time for me. All these years later.

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

Losing someone you love, is no picnic, ever never at any age.

There are so many times you think to yourself, “I don’t know how I will face tomorrow” – yet, somehow you do. And you face the next day, and the next, until there is a year strung together, and you’re doing it.

You’re surviving.

Then, it can take one thing,

A holiday….

An ornament…..

An anniversary…

A comment from the kids – such a  conversation with my daughter and niece on how different they perceive their lives would have been if my  mom had lived long enough to really impact their lives. And to share with them, in a delicate way, wanting to lift them up , yet not make them want even more than they are missing, how much she loved and cherished them, and would have been their biggest cheerleader.

Or watching my daughter struggle with the tragic loss of a friend…..

Or watching friends wrestle with grief…..

Or a smell, and picture, or comment…..

Seeing a friend experiencing similar events……

That can take you back to that longing and pain so quickly, it hits you like a brick, makes you want to climb back in bed, ignore the world and wait for it to go away.

Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again. ~Rosa Parks

And you start the one step at a time process

all.

over.

again.

But – faith, hope, passion, desire, will to live  and  to love.

DO exist.

And provide that will that we need to put one foot in front of the other, and move forward.
To start stringing those days together again.

The best testament we can give to those we love and have lost, is to live. Out loud. Love. DO something.

Their memories continue within us. We keep them alive, in us. If we give up ~ let bitterness, anger and hate take over ~ their light dims. 

I can’t let that happen.

Besides, my mom would re-visit me ….and smack me silly.

[A] final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works. ~T.E. Kalem

If a silly smiling grass head on my window sill helps me , even briefly every morning, to find my light again, then that is what I do!

One foot in front of the other……