All Heart

 

Mostly for documentation for myself – so years from now, when I say, “when did I start with that problem?” – I can look back and say, “oh yeah, Feb 2012!”

I am not a whiner. I try hard not to be.

As if this was not enough….

Yes,  it was elective surgery, but the need to actually bend my toe/foot, squat and walk without pain, far out weighed my intense fear that it would just be worse after surgery.

And then I was FINALLY able to get into these…..

Yes, REAL shoes. Not slippers……

It was only a matter of weeks until…..

A stress fracture in my newly walking foot, meant Frankenboot entered my life.

I was just getting out of that, nearly ready to begin walking again, and getting back to normal….

My heart has decided to get into the action.

They say things come in three’s, so hopefully this is the third item, and my run is over.

I have been feeling “off” for a few weeks. Of course looking back now I can see it, but at the time, I was the typical woman/working mom/wife, and blamed every symptom on something else. “Must not have eaten enough today”, “I’ve been too inactive lately” “Need to cut back on the caffeine” – which I did after realizing in January that my heart rate was a bit higher than it should be. Cut out the caffeine and didn’t think about my heart after that.  Light headed spells and fatigue…..ignore ignore ignore.

Well, the ol’ ticker decided to make itself heard last week- possibly aggravated by a cold I had.  I got very dizzy at work on Wed night, not feeling well, and grabbed the pulse ox to just see what was going on. My heart rate shocked me. I think it was close to 130 or something then. Felt tired, light headed, and just “not right” all night. Kept the pulse ox home with me, and monitored. Became clear I should most likely see the doctor since even “at rest” I was running 100-110. Normal is 70-80. A trip to the bathroom sent me up to 130-140 at times.

Couldn’t get in to see the doctor Thursday because I HAD to take The Brat for a scheduled tour of the art dept at Millersville University. “I’ll be fine” Bad idea. By the time we got home, it was pretty clear that something was not right. yet I tried to wait until I could see my doctor Friday.

4 am Friday morning, I woke up with a heart rate near 140, and got scared. We waited for the kids to go to school, and secretly hit the ER. I got scared. Wanted to make sure I was not in any immediate danger.

Nothing scares you more when they use the words “Pulmonary Embolus” in the list of your possible diagnoses. My recent surgery and immobilization moved me up on that list. THANKFULLY, that, and all other “life threatening causes” were ruled out. They had done their job, and  discharged home to rest until I could follow up with my doctor Monday. They did give me a beta blocker, which I decided not to take until I could see the doc, I wanted to be sure not to mask anything he may have to see/hear or if any testing needed to be done, or take a strong cardiac med unless I truly needed it……he agreed.

There is a strong extensive history of female heart disease on both sides of my gene pool. You would think that would make me extra diligent in my health and fitness. But the reality is that it is also a mental game, one which I do not play well. I was not raised on the premise of health food and gym memberships. No one in my family “exercised” except my grandmother did walk diligently.  I was raised on lard, sugar, fresh baked bread and King syrup, by teenage parents, frozen entrees, and ice cream. I do not remember ever eating a piece of fresh fruit beyond an apple, until I was in college, and “salad” was iceberg lettuce, smothered in full fat dressing.  Chicken was fried , not grilled. Beef was roasted and covered in gravy. Breakfast was pancakes and bacon, sugared cereal or eggs. I ate candy bars for breakfast and fudgesicles for lunch in high school.  Thankfully I have always been active and could control my weight with that until I got older.

After losing my mom, and trying to cope with two toddlers at home, suffering depression and trying to smother the pain in food, I have now battled my weight and personal demons for 15 years. 

I am not going to lie. This week SCARED me.

It is not over yet. I am still awaiting test results to determine if the problem is “benign” and requiring only medication, as the doctor believes, or something else all together. Basically, if I sit and do nothing, I can feel fairly fine. A shower can make me feel like I just ran a mile.

I have lost the same 50 lbs, every three years for the last 15 years.  Three years ago, was the healthiest I have ever been, felt wonderful, and just couldn’t maintain. I am good at losing or gaining, not staying.

This week, with the reality glaring in my face, I had to come to some realizations. There is a lot about my genetics and life that I can not control. BUT, there is plenty I can. My weight and activity level being one of them. 

No unrealistic vows.

No ultimatums.

They don’t work.

I just need to get a grip, and do the best I can.

No excuses.

The reality is, if I don’t do it, I will not be the grandmother to my grandchildren that I want to be. I want to be the grandmother my children never got to have in their lives and the one my mom wanted to be. (My MIL is awesome but 4 hours away).

So maybe if I pin this picture (none of me in the bed allowed) on the frig, it will remind me of the cost of neglecting myself and my body. And the possibility of this problem improving if I get healthier.

I want to feel this good again…..and it was only 2 years ago….