Mama’s Christmas Wish List

Shameless…..

Posting, just to try to win a prize….

So, all of you are subjected to this list….which I think are pretty neat questions to be answered anyway……

And hey, it’s $1000 GameStop gift card people!! Around these parts, that is GOLD !

Mama’s Holiday Wish List Meme

TodaysMama (link to: http://bit.ly/tmwishlist) and GameStop (link to: http://bit.ly/gamestop10) are giving away a sleighful of gifts this holiday season and to enter I’m sharing this meme with you.

1. What is your holiday wish for your family?

Considering the year we have had, I just wish an uneventful, peaceful holiday. Time spent together. Great memories and lots of love.

2. What is your Christmas morning tradition?

Hmmm…..the kids are always wearing their new pajamas. We make them sit on the steps and wait for us to “check if Santa was still here” – aka, turn on the tree, start the coffee, get the camera ready…..then we usually have breakfast with my sister and her family.

3. If you could ask Santa for one, completely decadent wish for yourself, what would it be?

Hmmm…one wish for myself would be the next entire year to be drama free!! But if you are talking material things……hhmmmm….how about a nice long trip to Italy and Greece, filled with wine, olives and good cheese!?

4. How do you make the holidays special without spending any money?

We started a tradition when the kids were small. We  put  our jammies on, and warm slippers, climb in the car one night before Christmas and drive around looking at the Christmas lights. I guess if you count that we usually stop for hot chocolate, we do some “some” money but very little. They kids, even now as teens, still ask when we are going.

5. What games did you play with your family growing up?

The only thing I really remember, that was played when I was smaller was pinochle at family holidays. My sister and I used to call it pig-a-nuckle. When we got older, we played game after game of Rummy 500 or Uno with my grandmother. When I was in high school I used to go over almost every saturday and we would play two handed pinochle, or Trivia Pursuit.  She was the only one who ever really took the time to sit down and play with us most of the time.  I do also remember, my other grandparents had a dice bowling game that we used to play with each other when we were there.

6. What holiday tradition have you carried on from your own childhood? 

I really don’t remember anything we did regularly for a “tradition” as a kid. We wound up at my grandparents for dinner at every holiday….we don’t even usually do that now.  I hope I have started plenty of tradition for my kids.

7. Where would you go for a Christmas-away-from-home trip?

Disney! I would love to see the holiday decorations. Or NYC. I think that would be cool at Christmas. Just me and hubby? Some place WARM!  

8. Check out GameStop (link to: http://bit.ly/gamestop10) and tell us, what are the three top items on your GameStop Wish List this year?

In which I wallow…..

Oh yeah.

My blog.

 

Let’ s put my frame

of mind into reference -

my camera has not been out of the bag since Halloween.

Yeah.

Two full weeks ago.

All year, I have wrestled and fought against the wallowing.

The last year, since last fall, have been challenging to say the least.

Starting with my finally starting appropriate therapy for my hip and leg as a result of the accident the year before…..

The first hint of K’s melt downs and depression, in which I let everyone convince me was “normal teenage crap”….

Sir Fartsalot got his first new job in 20 years,

I took on a second job in November, and worked both for the next few months…..

Sir Fartsalot “suprises” me with yet another new job change I think it was in March, I don’t quite remember.

Along with that comes another new insurance, etc.

K starts cutting and having more melt downs in I think April….

So by May I was getting used to my new job, when I finally did leave home care completely. So totally new job change for me,

I was adjusting to working two nights a week, managing melt downs on my cell phone in the storage room if I wasn’t home for one, taking K to therapy one night a week and still trying to finish up my weight loss group one night a week.

yeah, I know, many many women do it, and do it well…..

Frankly, I started unraveling at the seams. But fought it.

The end of school came, I graduated from weight group and finally had an extra night to be home….

Disney came and went, Relay came and went, 4th of July and my nephew moving in….nothing I wouldn’t do again in a heart beat…but I did not anticipate how much would change….

and the rest of the summer is a blur.

K’s meltdowns escalate when school starts again and we finally see the adolescent psychiatrist we waited 5 months to see…..with frustrating results so far.

I am running out of steam. Finding meds that work is not going well. Side effects are horrific.

Nightmares, melt downs, rage episodes from one medicine. Wanting to sleep constantly from another.

I haven’t scrapbook since  the winter. I can’t clear my head enough to relax to do it.

Spending time together over the summer has kept us all sane I think. Trying to make some fun, and choosing to focus on that has helped.  It is getting harder and harder though. If we don’t’ find some relief for her soon, I fear I may need some medication too. we walk on egg shells anticipating the melt downs,and then there are glimpses of the old K, the smiles and bounciness,  the happy forced family fun days, that lull us into thinking things are getting better, than wham things hit me in the face again.

I wrote this post nearly exactly two years ago. I could write it again today I guess.

I have discovered who needs me for what I can do for them, and who needs me just for me.  There are a lot of days I just have no more to give and no energy for dealing with anything outside the four walls of my house. The urge to cocoon myself at times in incredible.

To say this has not been an easy year, is an understatement. I have tried to write a gratitude post on Facebook every day this month, to refocus  on the positive of my struggles. Maybe I should repost them here with some pictures. My struggles are no worse than anyone else’s, but they are mine. As I can never attest to knowing how anyone else feels, no one else can say they know how I feel, or how I should or should not deal with things.  But there are plenty giving their opinions that is for sure. (If one more person tells me I just “need some time to myself” – I will scream. Because you know what? I can’t relax enough to enjoy it,and when I get home, it is all still here) And there is no one that truly knows everything we have been through this year. There is a lot K has asked me not to share and I have to respect that.  Sir Fartsalot has tried so much to find happy fun things to do and is sending me on a gourmet food tour sunday, in which I asked him to join me, so we can spend some time doing something fun together, alone. That may help a bit.

There is a lot of happy in this year too.  And to those memories I cling, knowing we will again, find some balance. I am looking so forward to the “new” year and the promise of renewal and change. But I don’t want to wish away the holiday season either. Thanksgiving plans are already changed from our “usual”, much to Sir Fartsalot dismay and the family I was hoping to see, and made the arrangements to see, can now not be here. Yet another disappointment in the year.

There you have it, my 5 minutes in which  I allow myself to wallow.

Onward and upward, where else is there to go? Hopefully, I will unwrap myself soon.

Ten on Tuesday

1. A feeble middle aged attempt at “pictures of yourself with your camera at the end of your arm” – why do the teenagers always look so cute when they do it?

2. Is anything more annoying than those men manning those lotion/make up kiosks at the mall, when they chase you down, after politely say no thank you to their first, “Miss, can I ask you a question?” -

 

3. I want to continue to convince myself this is a reflection on my lens, but each time I look at it the doubt creeps in…..

4.  My big toe joint hurts. has been before, but now won’t give it up. Those sensible shoes are looking better and better, but the thing is I wear sneakers or flats most of the time, I don’t  exactly live in heels! had to put the cute mary jane murrell's back on teh shelf today. *sob*

5. Been feeling a bit like this lately. He fell off the table once and had to be surgically repaired…..the wind took it upon itself to finish the job a few days later. :(

6. The kids did a much better job than I!

7. I need new pants, and they are HARD to find. This time last year I was still doing home care and living in track pants and white t’s. Now I have to *dress* – ugh. but let’s see – Medicare just instituted major cuts to Outpatient therapy funding, maybe I will be back in homecare soon!

8. If you ever need to identify K’s body, just look for her foot prints on the inside of mine of Dad’s windshield. She seems to like to prop her feet up there…..neither of us can bring ourselves to clean them off. There is something to sweet about it….yet, so gross at the same time….

9. *sigh*

(and of course – after his illness earlier this month – was the ONLY one to find a tick when we got home )

10. I was wrong, last year wasn’t our last year of trick or treating ! YAY!  I think they both look fabulous, and the old fashioned invisible man was a hit. K even went to work dressed like this! Everyone loved it! I do have a soft spot for both of them.

A little fresh air…..

Does a body and a mind good.

Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn. 

~Elizabeth Lawrence

Not as vivid as I was hoping for, but cleansing nonetheless.

There is just something about being up on top and looking down that just feels so good, along with the effort to get up there. We didn’t get to linger as long as we like, but it felt good to get out. Things have been so tense around here, I found I even had a hard time relaxing and focusing up there. Usually, this is my happy relaxing place. I can sit up on those rocks and look out for hours. This time I was antsy and had to keep moving, which is it’s own therapy I guess.

C took some friends along this time. They had a great time going up and down the rocks. Freaking some of the other people out….and this is the first time I allowed them to hike ahead of us, and on their own.

  

This picture, however, totally puts C’s personality into perspective…..his is perched up on the rock, assessing the situation, seeing how far his friends get, watching which way they go, before he ventures down there…..exploring, yet cautious..always planning, making sure it will be ok, before he ventures out….far different than K’s head down straight forward consequences be damned personality. How those two came from the same DNA, sometimes I wonder.

 

He didn’t see me. <snicker>

God I love that profile.

 

Hawk is by far not necessarily the most challenging hike, but the views are gorgeous.  Most of the paths are however  this rocky or worse. Makes for a good quad and glute workout…Although can I tell you how many people have no brains   common sense…the number of people attempting to climb straight up with babies on their back and heavens sakes, in front packs! I have slipped on those trails, I can not imagine bashing my baby’s head on a rock!

We have a family membership, so we go as many times as we want for one price…..it is close to home and a nice place to go to get some fresh air.

And it gets him away from the xBox!

A-mazing…..

 

Circa October 2004

 

‎"Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.”
~
Bill Watterson

 You dare to blink, and this happens……..

When I think of how many things are SO different, physically and emotionally from these two stages in our life……what we have dealt with in the last 6 years…..wow.

And we are here. Still. Going along. Changing without really feeling it until we look back.

Melancholy is not a bad feeling.  Most of us feel melancholy because we are remembering a happy time, recounting fond memories that bring us joy. As long as you don’t get bogged down there, a tad bit of melancholy can be good for the soul at times. It seems funny to me at times, when we recount certain memories, we don’t recall the same feeling that day, that the memory now evokes. So sometimes, old memories can be new again! And, things that seemed so overwhelming years ago, pale in comparison now. I can remember so many days, say in 2004, that I thought were challenging and “couldn’t wait” until the kids were older, so I wouldn’t have this or that stress. Now, those stresses are laughable and I would give anything to be there again! And then again, days when I thoroughly enjoy where the kids are now, and the relationship we have.

Time and maturity – proof that everything, even those that already happen, can still be evolving. Memories change with our maturity and perspective on life.

Life truly is all about change.

Because we need a little levity here…..

Lord help me……

I am married to a man

that wears corduroy slippers,

socks,

and flannel pajama bottoms.

Just.like.his.dad.

*gulp*

 

Guess I should just give up now….

go out and buy a pair of high waisted mom-jeans

let my hair go grey

wear a foam visor

buy a holiday themed embroidered sweatshirt

and a sensible pair of shoes. Perhaps from the Hush Puppy store.

It won’t be long before I begin to resemble my little grass head here.

It was a cute pink ribbon marketing ploy that I fell for at the craft store a few weeks ago.

Since I had so much fun entertaining myself with   caring for the grass heads that Santa brought the kids for Christmas, I bought her.  The Christmas ones lasted until they were neglected over our vacation, a good six months.

Her? Well, I fear,  she isn’t aging as well……

I will assume she is a 40 something perimenopausal woman such as myself -

as not only is she getting some age spots on her face, she is losing the same battle with her upper lip hair that I am.

But wait -

there is a light at the end of the tunnel -

Sir Fartsalot’s waist band is still at hip level!
So until the morning I wake up and see him walk by with his waist band around his midsection, I can hold off on the sensible shoes!

Sometimes…….

Things just suck.

Period.

I rarely use that word. But it fits.

When I took this picture, I just thought it was a cool perspective in the corn maze. Until, K commented on it, when I posed it to Facebook.

“shows how very lonely i feel”

Depression, sucks.

Depression has plagued me and many in my family for years and years. I believe if you look in the dictionary for the definition of depression, you will in fact see a picture of my biological father. Both parents tried to commit suicide when I was younger, I dealt with my own depression after my mom’s passing, and my siblings have also dealt with it, or continue to deal with it. In conversations with my aunt recently also found out my grandfather had battled it, and I knew he self medicated with alcohol, but also HIS father did in fact succeed in ending his life.

So, yeah, depression is there.

Why I ever thought it could escape my family, I have no idea. Hope I guess. Stupidity. I don’t know.

Or maybe I ever thought it would escape us, maybe I was just waiting for it to arrive.

Anyone who knows me well, I have been candid about my own “pretending”, and knows K, or has read this blog long enough, knows this kid has struggled most of her life. The first two years I started writing here, are rife with stories of struggles in elementary school and fitting in and her ADD, as well as anxiety.  To put it bluntly, it has all been horrible for her, and she left elementary school with, without exaggeration, no friends, and obviously more scars than I saw.

She is a fun, silly, beautiful kid who was dealt a raw hand.

we have done everything we could at each stage to help. We did the biofeedback in Jr. High and she finally started to make friends and keep friends, and things seemed to be chugging along.

Last fall, the melt downs started. I let someone convince me it was just “normal teenage girl stuff” – and I guess in the average family that could be an explanation.  I know the statistics of ADD kids and depression, why I let myself be convinced I don’t know.

But in spring, a whole new dimension was added with more melt downs and the start of the hurting herself. So, we started seeing a therapist and got our FIVE MONTH appt for an adolescent psychiatrist. So the roller coaster ride goes. Up and down, up and down. She seemed to be doing better over the summer – usually does without the stress of school – like I did when I was depressed, she has mastered the art of pretending. She does admit to many many days of actually feeling good, she loves our forced family fun days, and says she feels happiest and most secure when we are all together. But life can not be an endless string of planned happy events.

After we finally saw the specialist, she seemed to think her ADD may have just been anxiety or at least  aggravated by it. Her medicine seemed to help initially and I let myself get lulled into the sense that things were better. Yes, the hurting herself has stopped – but when we sat down and talked about her comment the other night it became glaringly evident that she is not better. she still harbors the anxiety of everyone hating her in elementary school, still walks around school thinking about it. That broke my heart. She has come so far since then and is not that kid anymore, but she still carries all of that around inside. She still has trouble trusting her friends to be “real” friends. That scared little girl is still in there and refuses to go away.

when your child sits in front of you telling you she feels empty, unemotional  and she is tired of feeling this way, your heart breaks into a zillion pieces.  And that is only a fraction of the feelings she shared with me.

Fortunately, she also knows we love her and support her and are trying our best to help her. She has up days, and weeks really, that are wonderful. What she then dreads is the return of the sadness. She told me yesterday that she almost does not  want the up days anymore, since returning to the sadness is even harder then. I thank God that we are close enough that she can share with me, and we can get the help she needs.  I also thank God He has made her strong enough to continue to fight it rather than give in, withdraw and allow it to control her life. She still tries to get up and smile every day. For that I am so grateful.

It has been a rough year for us. Adding more family time helps tremendously. Trying to simplify for us has helped too. she has a wonderful job that she does enjoy and those friendships have helped to buoy her spirit a little. But those huge shadows continue to creep in when she allows herself to feel better. And we are getting the medical help she needs. It is not an easy road though. Never a straight path.

We are not the first family to navigate this road. But that does not diminish our experience,  it is our family’s experience, no one else’s.  It affects all of us, whether J will admit it or not. There are days I can think of nothing else. I try hard not to worry, but do. And there are days you feel like no one understands.

You feel as a parent sometimes you have to stand up and convince everyone how awesome your kid is. she has such potential, all of her teachers see it. She is fun, and silly, and creative and has a heart of gold. She is such a wonderful giving caring person.

This was not fake. This was honest to goodness true happiness and feeling good. She is in there. We just have to find her again. She CAN be happy. The trick right now is how we find it and get it to stay. In the meantime, we cry, we share, we spend time together.

“God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” ~~ unknown

There are some days this is the only thing that gets me through.

Happy Fall Y’all

Forced Family Fun this weekend, was fall fun. Did not go as we initially planned but we made the best of it.  These are just a few of my favs.

 

“I cannot endure to waste anything as precious as autumn sunshine by staying in the house. So I spend almost all the daylight hours in the open air.” ~~
Nathaniel Hawthorne

Comfort

Comfort [ˈkʌmfət]

n   1. a state of ease or well-being

2. relief from affliction, grief, etc.

3. a person, thing, or event that brings solace or ease

4. Obsolete support

5. (usually plural) something that affords physical ease and relaxation

vb (tr)

1. to ease the pain of; soothe; cheer

2. to bring physical ease to

[from Old French confort, from Late Latin confortāre to strengthen very much, from Latin con- (intensive) + fortis strong]

Source – thefreedictionary.com

If this comforter could talk.

There are stories I would want it to tell and then there are stories I would rather it didn’t.

This is the comforter my grandmother bought me to take to my first dorm room in college. Yes, I said FIRST dorm room. Which means, it was purchased in August of 1986. Do the math – 24 years. Yes, I still have it. Yes, it is still usually on our bed. I think it cost all of $20 or maybe $30 at Bradlee’s at the mall. I remember the day we bought it distinctly. I was so excited about leaving for college.

This comforter has been a source of warmth and comfort for me for so long, it is almost a part of me. My  dorm room, how many nights did I sit on this blanket on my bed, think of my oh-so-far-off-when-will-the-weekend-get-here boyfriend, studying, eat, sleep, and cry homesick tears?

It lay on the bed in our first apartment.

It went on vacations with us.

It has gone outside to snuggle and watch the stars.

It has snuggled my children.

(and you can see how much more vibrant the colors were in circa 1994, possibly 1995!)

Long gone are the matching pillow cases. 

It has provided us so much comfort, so much peace at times, and the corners have dried many tears. 

It has been supposedly replaced with a new fancy, damask silk piped comforter, that matches the room. But, it still lies underneath. Uncovered every night, as the expensive comforter is folded down, so it stays  nice and clean and will last forever because it is so pretty. The fancy matching fabric will never feel like “the” comforter. Newer ones have been bought and tossed as “not the same” or “just not right”.  Perhaps money can’t buy comfort. All I know is we will reach for this one before most of the others in a heart beat.

It has become so soft over the years. Feels so good wrapped around your shoulders. It is “just right”and now  I can now totally *get* Goldilocks.

And.

it.

is.

JUST a blanket.

Right?

Then, why when I saw this when I was making the bed this week did my heart stop beating for a split second?

Holes.

No! Not holes.

The washings (the 100’s of hot washings because of C’s allergies) over the years have faded it. I have noticed the padding inside getting thinner and thinner.

But.not.holes.

Not “the” comforter”.

Sir Fartsalot and I have often often often had the “we should put it away” talk about the comforter. Thus, “saving it” – but to what avail?  What good is having it if we can’t enjoy it’s comfort? Like anything that we own, that is “good” and only used occasionally? (which I can say is not much around here)

So it stays on the bed. But I feel the count down coming.

How long until it looks like this….

This is “green blankie” – it was one of the blankets Sirfartsalots mom had when he was a baby. when the kids came along, she put it in the crib for their visits. K slept under it, and that was it. But C, loved it, and as soon as he could claim it , he did. It has been with him since he was probably 2 years old.

This is what 11 years do to a silk blanket.

Again. allergies and the weekly hot water washings have taken it’s toll. C has begged me to “fix it” – but it is shredded. I have gotten to the point where I can’t wash it anymore. But it is still on his bed.

So I guess some day, when I am in my rocker, rocking as an old grey haired hip old lady, my comforter will be with me. Perhaps shredded, perhaps not. I will probably tell anyone who will sit long enough to listen, every story that goes with “the comforter” – who knows, but there is one thing for sure,

“The comforter” is not going anywhere anytime soon.

(Oh! And then I guess we could talk about that purple crocheted blanket that is on the bed, that my grandmother crocheted for me , also when I went to college.)

All over the place…..

I seriously think I may be losing my mind – if it does wind up that I do have Alzheimer’s or something, we can use this post as evidence as to when I started noticing symptoms!!

Stress, the craziness of life – what ever it is, is seriously sapping my brain!

Last week, I set out to get some mums and pretty fall things to cheer my spirit and brighten the brown garden. I have been to my favorite nursery, a few times a season gazillion times. As I set out, I was driving along and COMPLETELY blanked out on how to GET there! Now remember, I was BORN and RAISED here. I know this place like the back of my hand, and I could not remember which way to go. Seriously! I had to pause at the traffic light, clear my head and walk myself through the steps. I will blame assume it was the strep/head cold I was working on at the time. That is my story and I am sticking to it!

I blank on names often. That is nothing new for me.

I turned off the oven tonight when fixing dinner, when I intended to turn off the burner. Which resulted in seriously over cooked pasta, and taking three peeks into the oven at the raw biscuits before I realized my error.

I haven’t scrapbooked (is that even a verb?) in FOREVER – even this weekend at Crop for a Cure I worked on a pre-cut card kit.

Paste a to b, was has difficult as I could manage.

My brain is seriously going in a million directions every day.  some days I have to pause and remember if I showered!

I am obsessed with my camera right now.

Can see the “best shot” all over the place.

Color just seems to scream at me.

My fingers itched at the Art Institute last weekend, to take photos of the neat industrial rows of supplies and spices. Luckily, my need to not embarrass my daughter was stronger. So here are just a few things I messed around with recently.

 

Trying out a new lens this weekend on a really huge block of bleu cheese. And the other cheese was peppercorn cheese, whole pepper corns embedded into it. yum-mo.

She looks thrilled doesn’t she. She hates the camera and tries so hard to avert her eyes. But she is way too sweet and obedient to get up and walk away.

He tries to avoid it as well.

 

Wonder where one finds pink hubs? Hmmm…maybe I will tell……

If I even get a macro lens, my family may never see my face again.

I really need to do a October is Breast Cancer Awareness month post but my brain will just not form the words.

K is now sick this week. J is still on the mend from his mono/strep. He is showing some color and a bit more energy, THANK GOD – watching that was one of the hardest things ever. I never want to see my other half that down and out ever again. The good news is that other reasons for the liver problems have been ruled out so the mono was most likely causing the poor liver function, which means it should resolve as the virus goes away. PRAISE THE LORD. that is an answered prayer.

Right now I am really praying for focus and a clear head. If I get much worse I may forget where I live one night on my way home, or leave the house with no pants tomorrow!  Although I have to admit I have gotten into the car with no shoes on a number of times in the last few weeks.