Maintenance

Yeah, well, your 40’s.

I am a good two years in.

I have accepted the fact that certain clothing styles are just not going to happen for me anymore, but mom jeans will never grace my closet….

But this?

I am relating more to the old people parent figures in all my favorite tv shows recently, and rolling in the aisles at the 80’s pop culture references that surface – wine coolers on Modern Family!! I mean, seriously our favorite “alcohol” of choice in 1985!!

Not that I ever indulged in alcoholic beverages before the age of 21, and I am simply going on the experience of, um, a friend. yeah.  Sir Fartsalot though had expensive tastes even then, as he preferred the most expensive Bartles and James. Let’s just be clear, he was “of age” and did get the stuff totally legally – honest!

Thank goodness maturity has brought us to a nice cabernet now!

I usually prided myself in the fact that I am not real vain. I like to look nice but usually once I am finished in front of the mirror in the morning, I  don’t “primp” later. I now find myself slowing down in the Olay Regenerist aisle and thinking that maybe that $25 tube may be on to something.

I am not to proud to say I knew without a shadow of a doubt I would be coloring my hair. Was very proud of the fact that I had hit 40, with just a few stray greys…..

How is it that hitting 40 seems to have kicked those suckers into high gear?? Well, 2cnd gear anyway, as I am sure I am exaggerating just a bit.

But let’s see what I didn’t expect….

The chin hair? I mean, seriously!? The moustache and uni-brow are not enough? I have to start sprouting wiring dark black, old lady chin hair?  You know those poor Polish grandmothers old ladies you see, sporting a goatee and lip-stache? yeah, I will be one of those when I no longer care enough or am too blind to see them any longer! Just in time, to match my son’s chin and upper lip hair! Guess C and I can have a bonding moment over a razor!

Insomnia.

Pu-leeze! I have not slept more than 5 hours a night, if that in months!  Benadryl and the couch are my best friends at the moment.

And what happened to my muscle tone?? Honestly!

The pain in my right big toe, that I could swear is gout, but is “probably just arthritis” – oh yeah, that is so much better! “Sensible shoes” will never ever enter my wardrobe, thus enter the never ending search for cute comfortable shoes!

Starting my on-line classes have made my failing vision all the more apparent. The sudden need to squint at the computer screen and  slow down a bit to “browse” the “readers” display at CVS are a telltale sign that it won’t be long until I am sporting a pair of readers, let’s hope they won’t be a on a chain! I do have to maintain some dignity! A quick web search revealed to me that “nerd glasses” are the new hip thing, so maybe I will get me a pair of those!

Now that I have just painted such a gorgeous picture of myself, perhaps we should broach the subject of how dangerous it can be to sneeze while standing, and God forbid, with a full bladder!!

Really? You don’t want to go there?

Well, honestly – I don’t either!

Wonder Why……

I am not sure if it is only my kids or not.

But it seems as though, their ability to converse is directly connected to riding in the car.

So much so, I almost want to start to make up reasons to go out somewhere!

Last night I got home a bit earlier than usual, and I came home to the typical scene, of Sir Fartsalot and each of the kids nose first in some sort of screen. As the kids have gotten older, this is more common a scene that used to be.

So, after a bit I suggested that I needed to go to Micheal’s to look for a poster frame for work, and then we could go for treats. well, that got a response!

After that last shot, he insisted on this one. Damn, I love this kid.

So, we all piled into the car and off we went. Well, you would think someone opened a dam of words in the back seat. Suddenly, they were discussing things, telling me about their day and other interesting things going on this week, and on and on. I love to just sit in the front seat and listen to them. They rarely bicker and if they do it is a light hearted banter about who is right, usually about something neither really truly knows about. I can’t help but sit in the front seat and smile.

Yes, she is letting her hair grow out again, and dyed her bangs blonde. It’s only hair and she likes it.  

They both insisted on getting a craft at Micheal’s, which they know I can never deny them. I guess some things will never change. It was nice to sit at the table when we got home, listening to K coach C on how to work his scratch picture, and encourage him. She is so much better with being more engaged in activities and being more interested. She got a moccasin kit, and I just had to smile to listen to her ask him for help, and him to offer. She stuck to it a lot longer than I expected, which is also an awesome improvement. She has a way to go yet, but it is so nice to see some progress in the right direction, finally!  They didn’t even turn the tv on when we got home!! See why I want to make up reasons to go out!

I have said it before, and I will say it again, I am blessed. These two have such a wonderful relationship, and really do like each other. I know each has the other’s back no matter what. I am also very lucky that they still don’t mind hanging out with us.

I am also so lucky, that I have two teenagers in the house, and this scene can still play itself out. Chatter from the back seat, crafts being done at the table, and mom smiling.

Yes, life is difficult at times, and usually just when I think I can’t cope one minute longer, I get s glimpse at the good, the happy, and the

Scary statistics…..

Since I have started my online classes, the one thing I have been enjoying is reading some current literature. It is becoming a running joke at work, that I keep coming in, and saying throughout the day, when a particular patient is relevant, "I read this article the other day/last night/yesterday......." we laugh because I am starting to sound eerily similar to Alyson Hannigan's character in American Pie, "this one time, in band camp....." But I digress......

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah,

So I read the article last night……teehee…..

That had some pretty interesting statistics to present…..because it reconfirmed to me, one of things I am realizing since staring my DPT classes, is how behind I have fallen in keeping up with research, although I do attend continuing education courses and think I pride myself in good quality care…..

In a Feb 2005 article in the Annals of Internal Medicine, they  reviewed a total of 62 samples and reported on the relationship between medical knowledge/quality of healthcare and number of years in practice/physician age.

Now what is one criteria most of us use in choosing a doctor??  Typically age/experience.

Well – it seems this may not be a good barometer….

In 32 of the 62 samples, they concluded performance decreased on ALL outcomes assessed as years in practice increased. In another 13, no positive association between number of years in practice and better performance.  The remaining 16 showed a mixture of increased, decreased or no association between experience and quality. Only ONE sample showed a correlation between all outcomes and years of experience. 

People,

That is scary!!

Of course, this is not all inclusive, and there are physicians out there that keep up on current literature, and use research evidence to back up their treatments. As well as the realization that apathy can increase with experience, leading physicians to possibly make assumptions, instead of listening to us, the patient.  In the radiology course I am taking, many studies we have read, indicate that primary care or family physicians had the highest over utilization of diagnostic tests, and the hypothesis is, that they have a weaker “specific” knowledge of certain things,and thus order lots of testing in hopes of “finding” something they may not know how to look for otherwise.

it just means, we as consumers need to be very selective and not afraid to speak up, advocate for ourselves and change doctors if we are not satisfied with our treatments. I tend to seek out specialist, if there is something more specific wrong, than the run of the mill head colds, ear infections etc. I feel, and this is my own personal observation, at least a specialist has had further training in more specific areas, than the broad training that primary care doctors receive. We really need to ask questions, do some research ourselves and KNOW your body. Many many doctors do things, just because it is how they have always done it.

Just felt the need to “pass it on” – and sorry, I can’t promise this to be the last,

“I read this article the other day……..” post!

Saturday Seven

Let’s see if I can come up with seven things….guess I could chose six, since that goes with Saturday too, but Saturday seven just sounds better than Saturday Six…..

One.

It is still a monochromatic icy world here…..ick.

Two.

I am trying to embrace it by taking pretty pictures….

Diamonds keep falling from the trees…

Three.

Things with K are looking up. She is going back to school Monday, and is really excited to have some friends over tonight. That – is a good thing.

Four.

I am trying hard not to be a cranky mom who has had a long week and does not really honestly feel like bothering with her teenager having friends over tonight.

Five.

Going to NYC tomorrow to see Addams family with some girlfriends. Looking forward to that! Think it will look like this again???

Yeah, I doubt it too, but a girl can dream eh?? Come to think of it, I never did blog about that day…….

Six.

I seriously need to get a handle on my healthy eating again. I have gone off the wagon wayyyyy too far, and am not feeling well at all. Guess if I put it out here again, and make myself accountable I will HAVE to do it. I lost all that weight, looked great, felt great and kept it off for over a year! Why can I not get a grip now, I can not tell you.

Seven.

Would someone please tell me when this man moved into my house? he will be 14 in one month. There is hair on his upper lip. He has out grown his bed. He can help me start and run the snow blower. he is wearing the same size pants as his dad, just two inches smaller in the waist.  he hates to brush his teeth and take a shower. eats constantly, but still gives hugs. Where did my baby go!?

Ms. Stefanie!!!

Dear Long Lost Friend,

I miss you! Please don't just post and run! :) Email me!

Love,
Me

PS you are lucky I can not lay my hands on a picture to post! ;)

We don’t need no…..

Education…..

But it turns out , I do!

This is the mission statement of the APTA

Vision 2020

“Physical therapy will be provided by physical therapists who are doctors of physical therapy, recognized by consumers and other health care professionals as the practitioners of choice to whom consumers have direct access for the diagnosis of, interventions for, and prevention of impairments, functional limitations, and disabilities related to movement, function, and health.”

This means by 2020, yes I know it is 9 years away, but they are working toward it yearly, that therapy with be a direct referral practice, meaning I will diagnosing the majority of my patients before the MD sees them, no testing, no preconceived notions. It will be my responsibility, and it is to a degree now, to pick up red flags for more serious problems that could present as pain in a joint, back or limb. Therefore, it requires some further schooling on my part. All therapy grads at present are DPT’s. Doctors of Physical Therapy.  Not a PhD not an MD, a “doctorate level” practitioner.  No one is really sure right now who will be grandfathered past the law, if anyone, or what the decision will be. So I decided, it was time. I always knew I would advance my degree some day. I was the last class at Temple to be able to practice after graduating with a Bachelors degree. Some day I intended to get my masters, perhaps in a specialty and perhaps an APTA specialty certification.

Enter marriage, kids, life and putting everyone else first. I have always all along enjoyed learning new things and challenging myself but never made it back to college. And now, there is no other option than the doctorate. If I already had my masters, I would need to only take two semesters. But since I don’t, it is 3 1/2 semesters.

So, if I start now, I can finish before K graduates high school and we pay for her college! In fact, if all goes well we will “graduate” at the same time. I will also graduate before I am the same age as most of my patient population and I am in Depends!

Forget that the last time I step foot in the academic world, it was 1986, and stirrup pants, tunic tops, and neon, as well as “big” hair were “in” the first time around. I can remember walking into my dorm room the first time like it was just yesterday. You had to access as computer in the “computer lab” and I thought I was the cat’s meow because I had a word processor with a 15 character display so I could fix mistakes before they printed.  There was no such thing as a “power point”, and most professors lectures with slides, laser points and remotes that never seemed to point directly at the slide machine.

Now, this is my “desk” – laptop on the bed, since I can’t concentrate downstairs with everyone up and about……

But let me tell you…..

Man oh  man, is academia different from 21 years ago!! Yes, all my classes are completely online. I do not set foot in a classroom. Thankfully, most topics are based on decision making skills, diagnosing, radiology and pharmacology, so no hands on learning.

Everything is pdf’s and down-loaded power points, which I hear is also the norm in “real time” classes.  No longer after the first day of class, do you trudge over to the Kinko’s to spend another $50 a piece on the syllabus and literature for each class, in addition to the text. Instead you go to Staples and invest a small fortune in printer paper and ink! I wonder if the Kino’s on Broad St is out of business without the college business!

I myself, can not read on the computer screen and retain, I have to print. Highlight. Is there nothing better than a fresh notebook and highlighter pen? Nice pink and yellow lines throughout the text, standing out to you, read me read me! Obtaining the discipline for the reading and posting, and discussion board reading required of two classes, is a HUGE adjustment. I was wondering this week what I got myself into that is for sure. I am a good therapist, I know that, but I fast discovering how much I don’ t know for this direct care model. My apathy toward being “required” to do this, is slowly turning into the realization that it is necessary, my specialty is going in a direction dramatically different from what I trained to do 20 years ago.

I will probably also show my age by most likely purchasing my first pair of “readers”. then again, that may be akin to Sir Fartsalot’s socks and slippers. Not sure I can “go there”

I can keep up with these younger students – Mr. Oh I graduated from XYZ huge university in 2000, and am working in a huge teaching hospital saving the world, with my three specialty certifications….I’ve got 20 years ex-perience baby, beat that!  LOL! He just may, but I will go down fighting!

So if you log on here one day and find pictures of my limp cross eyed body draped over my laptop, in lieu of flowers send, M&M’s and barbeque corn chips (and there is only one person in the world who will get that joke! My bff from college, who sported an awesome assymetrical Cyndi Lauper hair cut when I met her!)

 

There seems to be a trend….

As I was looking for pictures that MUST accompany a blog post, it has become glaringly obvious, that year after year, I seem to take very few pictures in January. It is just so grey, cold, bland and frankly, we are not winter lovers, so we do very little to photograph. I hate the lack of color in the winter, although the tone on tone white can be captivating.  This year, compounded by a pretty emotional month, does not make for wonderful photography moments.

so I took a few the other day, during an ugly ice storm we had . (I wish it would just freakin’ snow a good snow already, get it out of it’s system, instead of this piddly couple inches here and there just enough to make a mess and life annoying….but I digress)

And as I was standing out there freezing my but off trying to be artistic with my shots without going too far out in the rain. I realized how akin to the weather I usually feel this time of year, particularly this year.

Frozen. Cold. Numb.

Depression is a nasty thing. Watching someone you love struggling is even worse. Things with K have really been rough this past week.  I have worked through depression, but not at the age of sixteen.

And this is exactly how she describes herself, cold inside.

Oh honey, I have so been there.

If one more person says, “she seems fine to me.” I may just scream. I am not sure what people expect depression to look like, or figure there must be an easy way to tell. But then again, I digress and will not travel down that road right now. Let me just say plastering on a smile and pretending (you can read my own take on that here)  is a powerful thing. She tries so hard to hide it all, because she knows we love her , knows how she is “supposed”and she doesn’t want us to worry.

Some day soon, this will all melt.

Although appearing to be frozen solid, deep down these plants fight the cold, continue to live, and will one day real soon turn green again, bloom , grow and be enjoyed.

And my prayer is that she will too. She will thaw, warm up, grow, face her challenges and in the end bloom, turn her face to the sun and enjoy life again. 

And just because I have to have some color…..and because I always try to look on the bright side and be grateful……

Sure sign of the end of the storm, is the return of the birds to the feeder.  Glad that it makes me pause, smile and appreciate.

Re-focusing

I have spent the better part of this week – frankly, allowing myself to wallow. Some major things going on with K, and some decisions to be made and such….but there is always something that makes me step back, and while it does not minimize our own struggles, it certainly works to make me realize things could always be worse.

Like this young wife and mother….

http://thesimplewife.typepad.com/

Tweeting about making a fire and filling the house with smoke in the morning, and suffering a life altering stroke in the afternoon. She is now fighting for her life.

and this awesome fabulous wonderful kid -

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/pottsmerc/obituary.aspx?n=joshua-a-gehman&pid=147771554&sms_ss=facebook&at_xt=4d2e68220728f728%2C0

had to leave us way to early. His parents faced the task this week of burying their child.

one of my best friends mother was diagnosed last week with lung cancer. Just went for a x-ray “just in case” since her dad and sister had been recently diagnosed. And voila, stage 3 lung cancer with node involvement. So my best friend joins a club I would not wish on anyone.

There are always flowers for those who want to see them." Henri Matisse

This has been a difficult faith week. But I totally believe in God’s plan, and the beauty of it. I also totally believe in this Matisse quote. I try very hard to stay positive and look for the positive. This week has been a struggle to do that.

I have learned I need to allow myself the “down” time and to embrace it and let it run it’s course. But I refuse to stay there.

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." -Abraham Lincoln

Life has a way of reminding me what is important.  Life can ALWAYS be worse. But even in the “worse” , there is blessing and that needs to be remembered.

New Year……

Seeing that it is January 4, 2011, I figure I better write a New Year’s post!

2010 has been an interesting  amazing and incredible year. I have chosen to dub it

“The Year of Metamorphosis”

The kids have morphed, and along with them it has caused a reactive metamorphosis in me.

See what I mean?? and he is bending over a bit in the second picture!! METAMORPHOSIS baby!!

I know if I look at every year of their lives, I could post pictures of dramatic physical changes. This year, however, watching them both morph into teenagers, is a different experience all together. As much as their have been physical changes, the emotional changes have been greater.

In dealing with K’s depression and making it my own goal to be more at peace with life in general, as well as making time together a big focus of our lives this year, as well as their own growth and maturity, there has been a shift on the dynamics of our house. K alone has caused more ups and downs between pushing us away and at the same time, clinging and drawing us back, it has made our heads spin!

There is a balance of desperately clinging letting go gradually of their physical dependence on me, but also realizing they still need me, just in a different way. 

Giving them some independence and yet, also enjoying and reinforcing the importance of our time together as a family.  Luckily, they are not embarrassed to be seen with us, and I try very hard to maintain enough “cool” without giving up the “mom” as I can.

December 31, 2010

And, yes, to cap off the year, and end it with an exclamation mark, K finally earned the grades she needed and then passed her permit test.

I guess it is a perfect way to sum up the year. And driving with her today for the first time, my brain could not help but draw similarities between teaching her to drive and the changes we have had this year. We are giving her more independence and yet, she still needs us there in the passenger seat, encouraging, guiding, helping – at times, digging our feet into the floor boards, and at times relaxing and enjoying the ride.  She is trying to take control of her wheel but is nervous, unsure and cautious, but at other moments reckless and moving a bit too fast.

Again, this is another stage in life where there is no one that can really tell you what you are going to feel and experience. I thought things would be “so much easier” as they got older. While yes, things may be physically less stressful – no chasing toddlers, sleepless nights, lifting/carrying and temper tantrums right?  Each one is just replaced with a different type of stress, although some are not too far off, sleepless nights of worry, temper tantrums at times for sure, and making sure they are where they are supposed to be when they are supposed to be there, just involves monitoring rather than carrying now.

I am finally starting to be at peace with where I am as a mom right now, at peace with the changes happening in our home and life, and feeling more comfortable in this new place.It’s been a rough year of change for all of us. I pray we have tackled the worst, and are on the right road. I am looking forward to this coming year, and can’t help but wonder what is in store.

So ends……

Another Christmas season.

This one, for some reason, I am not sure why, was a very peaceful settled one for me.  I usually wallow in missing my mom, and get all melancholy, but for some reason, this year I did not. Wish I knew what I did, so I am sure I can repeat it next year!

I have been trying very very hard to make time for myself, and through out the year we have been making time to focus on time together as a family. I took this holiday season, one weekend at at time, did what we could, when we could, and didn’t force anything.

Decorating the tree

We did not get to travel on Thanksgiving, and as much as we missed  it and will not be missing NC on Thanksgiving again, I think it did help tremendously that we had one more weekend in which  to fit Christmas preparation.

.

I had a little “help” – the packages weren't’ perfect but who cares!

For the first time in years, we did not travel on Christmas day. Because of the Saturday holiday we spent the entire weekend at Sir Fartsalot’s parents house in NY and had a nice, family and food filled weekend, with no stress and lots of video games and food. Other than racing home ahead of a major snow storm that required us to leave early, it was a terrific weekend. As usual, I took almost no pictures….just a few…..

My heart just bursts with happiness to look at these.

Santa did well again this year. With Sir Fartsalot’s overtime this year, and my new job we were able to do Christmas without dipping into the savings this  year. That might have had something to do with the “peaceful” feeling too! We nearly had K convinced that was just a universal remote, not a new tv for her room! It worked for about 5 minutes! It was no nice to be able to do this for her, considering the tv she originally bought for herself she purchased at a yard sale for $5. There were just a few moments where C needed to be reminded that the things he got were worth just as much as the tv, and were at the top of his list. So the rest of the day was filled with teenage boy shooting and light sabering his way through the xBox! 

even as teenagers, they leave quite an “aftermath” of paper in their wake! C is still just young enough to be excited and was counting down the hours til bed time and up Christmas morning earlier than this  teenage boy has been out of bed, except for school, in nearly a year- much to our dismay and groans at 7:15 am.

So, we log another holiday in the books, return to reality and work today, as well as start to look forward to the new year.

Merry Christmas!

"When we remember a special Christmas, it is not the presents that made it special, but the laughter, the feeling of love, and the togetherness of friends and family that made that Christmas special." ~~Catherine Pulsifer

Scenes from a goofy family “early” Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all!!

I wish for those I love, blessings they can not comprehend and the strength to endure the tough times. The love to support them and each other. Most of all the love of Christ today and the gift that He brought us all.

Hmmmm…….

Yes, if you are keeping track….

getting as tall as Dad.

The tree is decked.

My kids are still just as weird as I am.

Gingerbread houses, made and slightly eaten.

One drunk snowman….

We had Christmas dinner with my family yesterday. This weekend, heading to Albany to spend the weekend with J’s parents…..

so I guess we are ready.

Well, one present shy of ready thanks to FedExSmartPost….but here’s to hoping it makes it by Thursday when we leave!

Simplified this year, no stress, and it has been an enjoyable holiday indeed!