Comparatively speaking......

Trying to force myself to finish this layout!
Started it two weeks ago....
A challenge was posted on a message board I surf....
Compare/contrast two things...
The first thing that came to mind was these two.....
so I managed to finish the details of the layout.....
but have yet to sit and make the lists...
so if I put it here, maybe I will be forced to do it,
these two are as different as night and day,
yet similar in many ways.....
Maybe some of you can help me out.....

He......
*has blue eyes
*quiet and reserved just like his Dad
*easy going
*sometimes I can forget he is even in the house
*loves his bike right now
*loves chicken fingers
*very kind and generous
*very protective and sweet with younger kids
*My "did you ever wonder...." kid, always wants to know more
*reminds me it is okay to get dirty
*MAKES MY HEART MELT WITH ONE LOOK

She......
*has brown eyes
*outgoing and gregarious yet anxious and shy at times
*likes to be in charge
*always makes her presence known
*loves tennis and not much other physical activity
*loves macaroni and cheese
*very kind and generous
*very sensitive to other people's feelings
*always on the side of the underdog
*not overly curious about much - takes most things at face value
*can drive me crazy in a heart beat
*MAKES MY HEART MELT WITH ONE LOOK

Sooo..........

"'Aging is not 'lost youth' but a new stage of opportunity and strength"

~Betty Friedan~

Photos by J. which explains the expression on my face! Took all my courage to pose for these.

Not only has it been weeks since I last blogged, I went and had another birthday!
This year I am really trying to take this quote to heart. Trying to enjoy the opportunities that this stage in my life afford me. "new stage of opportunity and strength."
I have admitted over and over that I am not handling growing older or watching my kids mature, at all gracefully. I have essentially been lead kicking and screaming.
Strength.
I have lacked it.
I feel stronger now than ever.
I have the strength to finally admit and expect what "I" need.
And that feels terrific.

"If we spent as much time feeling positive about getting older, as we do trying to stay young, how much different our lives would be." ~ Rob Brown

So, I am also trying very hard to internalize and live this quote a bit more.
Aging is not a priviledge given to everyone.
I am trying hard to embrace it, and love me the way I am.

I really sat down yesterday and forced myself to consider the last year. How far I have some, considering last year, I had just had my accident, was in a lot of pain, was over 60lbs overweight and honestly not very happy with myself.
In January, I made a decision, that it was time to make myself happy. No more sitting around waiting for someone else to do it.
I took my health, physical and mental, into my own hands, and made some changes.
In transforming, and returning to more of an attitude of gratitude, putting myself first again, I made some pretty dramatic changes.

I don't want myself to ever forget how it felt today to put on these jeans.
Come out of the dressing room, repeating, oh my god oh my god I am actually wearing a size 10!! Over and over.
The transformation over the last nine months, mentally and physically still surprise me sometime.
I am happy in the ways that matter right now.
I haven't felt this way in a long time.
I have a few more pounds to go, but can allow my self to relish the fact that I am not longer "obese" but "slightly overweight" according to my BMI.
I feel healthier now than I have in a very long time. Even the last time I was this thin, 6 or so years ago, I did not feel this well mentally.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."

~Douglas Adams~


So no matter where the road leads me in the next year, I pray I can maintain this mental attitude , embrace the opportunities that my growing older affords me and embrace it all with a smile and new attitude.
I may have to put this picture on the frig, not only to remind myself of the size, but how honestly truly happy and content this person is right here, right now.
And she now has the strength and confidence to admit it.
I am ALLOWED to feel this way and be proud of it.
Wow.

Can you believe....

This is the only photo I have taken since the first day of school.
There are so many things that go through my mind every day,a nd I think,
oh I have to go write that down....
and don't.
Busy busy busy....
So here is the gang of outlaws....
they must be on the run...
when they come back to town,
I am sure the grown one will write something about it!

Do not my son and his daddy make pretty mean cowboys!
They took their part very seriously!
I think I need to get J. a cowboy hat and oil cloth coat, I like the look.

It happened again....

It happens every year.
Most years I dread it.
This year I thought I was ready.
Turns out, I was not.

Labeling folders and getting ready last night.
After an exhausting night rushing around at the Jr High for yet another orientation.

Highlighting her classrooms on the school map.
After she sat down and did this , at my suggestion, she felt much better and announced that she would be fine! I pray.

This guy actually got up without any trouble this morning. I was shocked and will take bets on how long it lasts. 6 am came REAL early this morning...

Miss "Yeah I am cool, it's all cool. I am not nervous".....

When did they get so tall??
Grown up?

I thought I was ready.
This was after all the "summer that wasn't" Very stressful for me.
Filled with nothing for all of us.
So I was ready for routine, school, normalcy.
Then why is there a lump in my throat just looking at this?
As weird as the summer was, I still love having them here.
Where they belong.
With me.
Forever.
(Yes I can try to deny it for as long as i want thankyouverymuch!....teeheee)

This gal pretty much sums up how we were both feeling this morning.
I don't even remember what it was I wanted to do on those frustrating mornings....
although I am watching GMA for the first time in months!

If they knew I took this picture they would KILL me.
Someone might see you mom!!
God forbid someone knows mom loves me and will miss me.

So it begins. Another school year.
Jr hi. Sr Hi.
All in one year.
We do it all the way!
No more elementary school.
No more school parties and cupcakes.
No more Secret reader days.
No more classroom helper.

This is going to take some getting used to,
but as I told K about highschool last night,
"Many have gone before you and lived to tell the tale!"

Already can't wait to see them later today.

They are taking over!

The spiders that it!
We have had a lot of rain.
And they love it.
Took these this morning...
This one goes from the ground/bushes up to the tree. To give you an idea
there is 24 inches between the rails on the fence.
This thing is huge!

This one is under the other tree. Same thing, from the bush up to the tree...but rather than being a perfect circle like the other one..this one reminds me of a cat's cradle pattern. You know when you make the broom? And the top is attached to the tree with an elaborate maze of strings. Pretty darn cool but would not show up on the picture..

And a small surprise for the mailperson!
The spiders love my gardens, and they eat the bugs! So it's a win win!

For the first time ever, right before we left for vacation, C and I were in the pool, and there was a web on one handle of the ladder. Well, we got it wet. For the first time ever, we watched the spider dismantle the web. It was so cool to watch her gather it up, lickety split it was gone!
We didn't put our hand on that side of the ladder for the rest of the day cause she hung out on the under side waiting for us to leave, and this spider was HUGE!

It's happening....

It's really happening.
High school.
Wow.

I thought going back to work at 6 weeks was hard.
I thought kindergarten was hard.
I thought Jr Hi was hard.
See a common thread here?
Always seemed to think each milestone was going to be the hardest.
The rest would be easier to accept.
Not that I am dragging my feet in the mud trying to deny that my kids are growing up.
Or the type of mom that will smother them to my breast until they are 20.
It is hard to describe the odd feelings.
It is a mixture of pride, happiness, melancholy, sadness for the loss of a "stage" that I was enjoying, anticipation, anxiety of what is to come.
I can't believe how time flies.
I can't believe the wave of emotion every time we come to one of these milestones.
Honestly thought each one would get easier.
I can say, they have not!
I am very proud of everything my kids accomplish and would never wish different.
So once again we step out onto a new unknown.
And it dawns on me, as much as i think this one will be the hardest, there are always going to be more...
college, moving out, marriage, kids of their own. trials and tribulations...there are still going to be more and more unknowns.
I guess for us mom's it never ends.
So here's to this one!
Let the excitement begin!

It's coming

I promise!! Can you believe I haven't downloaded the vacation pics yet?? I know I know what is wrong with me?? Maybe 14 loads of laundry, work Monday, Jr Hi orientation yesterday, scheduled to re-start physical therapy for my back tonight, meeting at the Sr Hi tomorrow am with K's counselor, then SOPHMORE orientation (I think I just threw up a little!) tomorrow night, as well as weigh in (After vacation most likely not good) then finally Friday will be FREE! School starts one week from today. The summer than wasn't is almost over! Will post vacation soon! Promise.

wasting the days away......

in Myrtle Beach...

so far the ocean has been divine and the weather even better.

we are toasted and relaxing.

One week....

And counting....

Books

It was funny when I read this comic sunday.....I had just been thinking over the weekend...after seeing one of these on sale in the paper.....

There very well may be a time, when our children or their children's children, do not open a real honest to goodness bound book. Their is realistically in the horizon a book-less world. My children already have no idea what the card catalogue is, or the Dewey Decimal System is. I can remember in Elementary school, and Jr High, going into the library and learning how to use the card catalgue, flipping through those little cards sorted by title , author or topic, and learning the DDS so I could help shelve books. We had to write down on a piece of scrap paper, the call numbers for the books we needed for our research
or that we wanted to read, and go in search of them.
Now the computer will tell them what they need, print it out, and even point them to the correct aisle. Heaven forbid no one does research in the library anymore. The internet is a wealth of immediate gratification.
Long gone are the days of pulling out Funk and Wagnalls, photocopying the pages you needed,
and returning those heavily bound volumes to the shelves.
Eventually, all books may even be available electronically....
where is the fun in that?
More screen time.
No binding to listen to crack for the first time when you get a new book?
No wonderful freshly printed smell.
Am I the only one that loves the library?
All those possibilities.
All the books yet unread.
The smell.
The hushed tones of everyone.
Explains my love affair with Barnes and Nobles, the fresh ink smell, fresh crisp magazines, yummy soft chairs just begging to be sat upon,
legs folded under to dive into a newly purchased book.
What are we going to pull out the little electronic book to read to our two year olds?
Not sure this would be progress or not.
I personally can barely stand reading an entire email on the large screen in front of me, let alone teeny tiny print on an electronic screen the size a large index card!
A world without books would be heartbreaking. The joy of reading has no age limits or even financial barriers considering that libraries are free.
Let's all pray it never gets to the point where books cease to exsist.
That would be a very sad day indeed.

in a funk

No, I don't smell.
Nor am I funky in an urban cool kind of way.
Just in a funk.
Can't shake it for the last week.
I don't get in a funk in the middle of the summer.
This has been the weirdest summer ever.
And for the first in my 10 years a mother of school age children,
I am anxiously awaiting the start of school.
Thinking I guess maybe that if we get back to the daily routine
and comfort of the daily routine I will feel better.
Other than the *big* events of K's birthday,
the summer has been void of the three of us doing anything of interest.
No trips to the library on my days off. My days off have been fewer, which is not helping.
I manage my depression by working part-time. Lame I know,
but it keeps off meds. My erratic schedule just adds to my stress level.
Totally self imposed, but isn't that the way it always is?
We are not swimming as much as usual.
I feel like the kids are spending way too much time alone, and I hate it.
But then again, they are much harder to entertain this year.
Gone are the days of idling by under a tree and sidewalk chalk.
I have not been in much of a state of gratitude lately,
and there is a lot to be grateful for
as well as things that are just proving to drain my spirit.
I just can't shake it. I do not do well with change or stress.
Both of which have been plentiful in the last two weeks.
Gotta snap out of it.
I haven't even had words lately. Nothing to say. No emotion. I tend to write when I have an extreme of emotion...be it anger, pride, happiness.
I have figured that out lately. I don't want to write when I am blah.
Maybe that is when I should write.
Maybe I don't want to remember this feeling, maybe that is why I don't write about it.
So here it is.
Out there.
I am blessed beyond belief,
why do I feel so empty?

Wow.

What has been going on around here.
I refuse to apologize for not blogging...this after all is my journal and
when I get here I get here. :)
That being said, I need to get here more often to remember some of this stuff!!
"The Week Long Celebration of The 15 Year Old" has finally ended with her last party last Friday night. We haven't made such a big deal out of her birthday in a long time.
We started with our gift to her, which was tickets for she and two friends to see Rascal Flatts in concert. With me of course......

They had the most fabulous time and it seems my daughter loves the energy of live music as much as I do! I am hoping a lot more concerts are in our future!
There was a lot of dancing and singing and screaming going on! Pity the poor man in front of us!
I almost deleted these pictures as they were blurring. I was trying to capture the girl's dancing and energy on film....but for some reason I love it and couldn't delete it.

Then we had a get together with family for cake and burgers. The family has gotten considerably smaller and our "family" includes close friends. My darling sweet daughter was so humble that she wanted to give some of her birthday money back because she thought it was too much.
she is so sweet and doesn't think she deserves anything. I am trying so hard to change that!

Last Friday was her "friend" party. The group of kids that came were nice and they had a great time with water balloons, swimming and hanging out. Believe it or not, no pictures! I gave the camera to K to get som epics but she was having so much fun she forgot!
This is the cake she and my sister made together. When she asked my sister if she could make one, K wanted to help. SO my sister was sweet enough to let her. K drew the designs, and other than baking and then guiding K as to what to do, K decorated the cake herself. There are hearts on top, peace signs in the middle, and a flame pattern on the bottom. She was very proud of her work!
It was very yummy too, although everyone seemed to agree the "rubber icing" - aka fondant - was not a must next year!

So she turns fifteen with a pocket full of money, plans to get acrylic nails and highlights before vacation and take lots of spending money to the beach! All in all, a good birthday....
meanwhile, while I was lamenting over my girl turning fifteen and all the changes in her lately,
this kid went and grew two feet on me!
I turned around one day,s aw him coming into the kitchen for breakfast and could not believe my eyes!
We went shoe shopping the other day, and he bought a size 10 flipflop! TEN ! As in, as big as daddy's feet! He has taken to walking around shirtless...not wanting to shower or wash his hair.....
but he can still be plied with licking the bowl after a batch of brownies!
My little boy is still in there!

15 15 15...

Even as a baby her personality shined.
She made me a mother.
Little did I know the growth and changes inside me
that this little beautiful girl would create.
She has been intense from day one.
Challenging my parenting skills from day one.
Not in a negative or bad way. She has always been an eager to please child.
She just has always required a different road.
A new path, a different parenting technique.
Turned everything I thought being a parent would be, upside down.
And continues to make me pat myself on the back
and question myself more times than I can count.
Shown me that sometimes things are not like you expect them,
and that is a good thing.

I can remember, not as well as I used to, but remember still...some days when I would just keep reminding myself, as the fatigue of parenting set in that , "it will get better as they/she gets older", "oh when the kids are bigger it will be so much easier"....
There are some days I wish nothing more than to be holding those little babies again, and have not much more to worry about than the next feeding or if I can nap when they nap.

Then they do this.
Grow up.
Turn 15.
Make you gasp at times to look at them.
Make you feel every minute of your age,
and at the same time
make you feel happy and young to be with them.
Bring out a protectiveness and strength I never
knew I could possess.
And you realize the challenges are still there,
they just change a bit.
I don't have to pack a diaper bag the size of a Buick
to go grocery shopping anymore,
but I would not say parenting is any easier.

15 years later....
They turn into gorgeous creatures that
make you understand why kings built towers
and dug moats around castles.
If I could I would. Believe me.

But the personality continues to shine.
The fun.
The angst.
The love.
The tears.
The sleepless nights,
as a newborn and as a teenager.
The worry.
She has taught me patience, love and faith in God like I never knew before.
All worth every second, to be able to say I am her mother.
So proud of the kind, generous, sweet and caring person she has become.
Wondering what the next 15 years have in store.
I am sure with this one, the path will not be
typical, straight nor easy.
But I look forward to the ride all the same.
And know, no matter what....
Whether the path leads where I expect or in a whole new direction,
I have to trust and believe that everything will always be ok.
I look forward to knowing and loving the adult she will be.

Happy birthday my girl.
Thank you for all you have taught me
and for all the love you bring into my life.

Scrap page

Pretty much sums it up!
No really. Just kidding.
I asked for the attitude in the picture
but I do think it says something that this is
one picture of herself that K actually likes.
Hmmmm..
took these under a railroad bridge in Jim Thorpe last Sept.