There seems to be a trend….

As I was looking for pictures that MUST accompany a blog post, it has become glaringly obvious, that year after year, I seem to take very few pictures in January. It is just so grey, cold, bland and frankly, we are not winter lovers, so we do very little to photograph. I hate the lack of color in the winter, although the tone on tone white can be captivating.  This year, compounded by a pretty emotional month, does not make for wonderful photography moments.

so I took a few the other day, during an ugly ice storm we had . (I wish it would just freakin’ snow a good snow already, get it out of it’s system, instead of this piddly couple inches here and there just enough to make a mess and life annoying….but I digress)

And as I was standing out there freezing my but off trying to be artistic with my shots without going too far out in the rain. I realized how akin to the weather I usually feel this time of year, particularly this year.

Frozen. Cold. Numb.

Depression is a nasty thing. Watching someone you love struggling is even worse. Things with K have really been rough this past week.  I have worked through depression, but not at the age of sixteen.

And this is exactly how she describes herself, cold inside.

Oh honey, I have so been there.

If one more person says, “she seems fine to me.” I may just scream. I am not sure what people expect depression to look like, or figure there must be an easy way to tell. But then again, I digress and will not travel down that road right now. Let me just say plastering on a smile and pretending (you can read my own take on that here)  is a powerful thing. She tries so hard to hide it all, because she knows we love her , knows how she is “supposed”and she doesn’t want us to worry.

Some day soon, this will all melt.

Although appearing to be frozen solid, deep down these plants fight the cold, continue to live, and will one day real soon turn green again, bloom , grow and be enjoyed.

And my prayer is that she will too. She will thaw, warm up, grow, face her challenges and in the end bloom, turn her face to the sun and enjoy life again. 

And just because I have to have some color…..and because I always try to look on the bright side and be grateful……

Sure sign of the end of the storm, is the return of the birds to the feeder.  Glad that it makes me pause, smile and appreciate.

Re-focusing

I have spent the better part of this week – frankly, allowing myself to wallow. Some major things going on with K, and some decisions to be made and such….but there is always something that makes me step back, and while it does not minimize our own struggles, it certainly works to make me realize things could always be worse.

Like this young wife and mother….

http://thesimplewife.typepad.com/

Tweeting about making a fire and filling the house with smoke in the morning, and suffering a life altering stroke in the afternoon. She is now fighting for her life.

and this awesome fabulous wonderful kid -

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/pottsmerc/obituary.aspx?n=joshua-a-gehman&pid=147771554&sms_ss=facebook&at_xt=4d2e68220728f728%2C0

had to leave us way to early. His parents faced the task this week of burying their child.

one of my best friends mother was diagnosed last week with lung cancer. Just went for a x-ray “just in case” since her dad and sister had been recently diagnosed. And voila, stage 3 lung cancer with node involvement. So my best friend joins a club I would not wish on anyone.

There are always flowers for those who want to see them." Henri Matisse

This has been a difficult faith week. But I totally believe in God’s plan, and the beauty of it. I also totally believe in this Matisse quote. I try very hard to stay positive and look for the positive. This week has been a struggle to do that.

I have learned I need to allow myself the “down” time and to embrace it and let it run it’s course. But I refuse to stay there.

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." -Abraham Lincoln

Life has a way of reminding me what is important.  Life can ALWAYS be worse. But even in the “worse” , there is blessing and that needs to be remembered.

New Year……

Seeing that it is January 4, 2011, I figure I better write a New Year’s post!

2010 has been an interesting  amazing and incredible year. I have chosen to dub it

“The Year of Metamorphosis”

The kids have morphed, and along with them it has caused a reactive metamorphosis in me.

See what I mean?? and he is bending over a bit in the second picture!! METAMORPHOSIS baby!!

I know if I look at every year of their lives, I could post pictures of dramatic physical changes. This year, however, watching them both morph into teenagers, is a different experience all together. As much as their have been physical changes, the emotional changes have been greater.

In dealing with K’s depression and making it my own goal to be more at peace with life in general, as well as making time together a big focus of our lives this year, as well as their own growth and maturity, there has been a shift on the dynamics of our house. K alone has caused more ups and downs between pushing us away and at the same time, clinging and drawing us back, it has made our heads spin!

There is a balance of desperately clinging letting go gradually of their physical dependence on me, but also realizing they still need me, just in a different way. 

Giving them some independence and yet, also enjoying and reinforcing the importance of our time together as a family.  Luckily, they are not embarrassed to be seen with us, and I try very hard to maintain enough “cool” without giving up the “mom” as I can.

December 31, 2010

And, yes, to cap off the year, and end it with an exclamation mark, K finally earned the grades she needed and then passed her permit test.

I guess it is a perfect way to sum up the year. And driving with her today for the first time, my brain could not help but draw similarities between teaching her to drive and the changes we have had this year. We are giving her more independence and yet, she still needs us there in the passenger seat, encouraging, guiding, helping – at times, digging our feet into the floor boards, and at times relaxing and enjoying the ride.  She is trying to take control of her wheel but is nervous, unsure and cautious, but at other moments reckless and moving a bit too fast.

Again, this is another stage in life where there is no one that can really tell you what you are going to feel and experience. I thought things would be “so much easier” as they got older. While yes, things may be physically less stressful – no chasing toddlers, sleepless nights, lifting/carrying and temper tantrums right?  Each one is just replaced with a different type of stress, although some are not too far off, sleepless nights of worry, temper tantrums at times for sure, and making sure they are where they are supposed to be when they are supposed to be there, just involves monitoring rather than carrying now.

I am finally starting to be at peace with where I am as a mom right now, at peace with the changes happening in our home and life, and feeling more comfortable in this new place.It’s been a rough year of change for all of us. I pray we have tackled the worst, and are on the right road. I am looking forward to this coming year, and can’t help but wonder what is in store.

So ends……

Another Christmas season.

This one, for some reason, I am not sure why, was a very peaceful settled one for me.  I usually wallow in missing my mom, and get all melancholy, but for some reason, this year I did not. Wish I knew what I did, so I am sure I can repeat it next year!

I have been trying very very hard to make time for myself, and through out the year we have been making time to focus on time together as a family. I took this holiday season, one weekend at at time, did what we could, when we could, and didn’t force anything.

Decorating the tree

We did not get to travel on Thanksgiving, and as much as we missed  it and will not be missing NC on Thanksgiving again, I think it did help tremendously that we had one more weekend in which  to fit Christmas preparation.

.

I had a little “help” – the packages weren't’ perfect but who cares!

For the first time in years, we did not travel on Christmas day. Because of the Saturday holiday we spent the entire weekend at Sir Fartsalot’s parents house in NY and had a nice, family and food filled weekend, with no stress and lots of video games and food. Other than racing home ahead of a major snow storm that required us to leave early, it was a terrific weekend. As usual, I took almost no pictures….just a few…..

My heart just bursts with happiness to look at these.

Santa did well again this year. With Sir Fartsalot’s overtime this year, and my new job we were able to do Christmas without dipping into the savings this  year. That might have had something to do with the “peaceful” feeling too! We nearly had K convinced that was just a universal remote, not a new tv for her room! It worked for about 5 minutes! It was no nice to be able to do this for her, considering the tv she originally bought for herself she purchased at a yard sale for $5. There were just a few moments where C needed to be reminded that the things he got were worth just as much as the tv, and were at the top of his list. So the rest of the day was filled with teenage boy shooting and light sabering his way through the xBox! 

even as teenagers, they leave quite an “aftermath” of paper in their wake! C is still just young enough to be excited and was counting down the hours til bed time and up Christmas morning earlier than this  teenage boy has been out of bed, except for school, in nearly a year- much to our dismay and groans at 7:15 am.

So, we log another holiday in the books, return to reality and work today, as well as start to look forward to the new year.

Merry Christmas!

"When we remember a special Christmas, it is not the presents that made it special, but the laughter, the feeling of love, and the togetherness of friends and family that made that Christmas special." ~~Catherine Pulsifer

Scenes from a goofy family “early” Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all!!

I wish for those I love, blessings they can not comprehend and the strength to endure the tough times. The love to support them and each other. Most of all the love of Christ today and the gift that He brought us all.

Hmmmm…….

Yes, if you are keeping track….

getting as tall as Dad.

The tree is decked.

My kids are still just as weird as I am.

Gingerbread houses, made and slightly eaten.

One drunk snowman….

We had Christmas dinner with my family yesterday. This weekend, heading to Albany to spend the weekend with J’s parents…..

so I guess we are ready.

Well, one present shy of ready thanks to FedExSmartPost….but here’s to hoping it makes it by Thursday when we leave!

Simplified this year, no stress, and it has been an enjoyable holiday indeed!

That Christmas feeling…..

There has been a very disturbing theme to the status updates for many of my friends and acquaintances on Facebook these last few days. Two weeks before Christmas, and negativity abounds!  One person asked all of her friends to respond to her post and in one word describe the last 24 hours of their life. NOT ONE person had anything positive to post.

What?

This is CHRISTMAS after all??

In this last year, I have tried very very hard to slow down. Appreciate. Be IN the moment, not just knocking something off my list  GETTING THROUGH the moment.  we have made more time for the four of us in the last year. It has been wonderful.

Saturday we spent the day, just us girls, in the Big Apple. (post to come!) Taking in the Christmas sights. To say it was crowded, was an understatement. But, there is something magical about the city at this time of year.

You know the city was full of tourists, but what struck me in Rockerfeller and other parts of the city, was how FEW people were looking up and taking in the sights and looking at the tree. Everyone just seemed to be trying to get to the next thing.  Moving on. Check that off the list. Keep moving.

There in lies the problem. I know. Last Christmas for me was just one more thing on my To Do list. I hated it. I hated that feeling.  And I made a pact with myself on New Year’s, that I would not spend this year doing the same thing. Just marking things off in order to say they were done.

Christmas time, right now, seems to be for most of my friends, just another list of things to do.

But, honestly, how many of them really truly matter??

Does getting 12 different types of cookies baked, make Christmas come?

Does stressing over standing in line for “The perfect’ gift make Christmas come? Do our kids really honestly need everything on their list?

Do the lights need to be up? Does the tree need to be up on such a such day and decorated by such and such minute? Does every teacher need a handmade gift? Do cards need to be sent to people you most likely have not had a conversation of any sort in the last 20 years other than swapping the obligatory christmas card.

Here is a hint – if you feel OBLLIGATED to do it, it most likely is not something memories are made of.

Then I hear people saying that they just can’t find the Christmas spirit! Because we are going about it all the wrong way.

Just like any peace in our hearts, it only comes when you slow down and get quiet enough to hear and feel it.

If you can do all the things on your list with a happy heart, little stress and a smile on your face , then there isn’t a problem. But if trying to get everything accomplished turns you into a scrooge, then what are you really accomplishing? Usually saying as we go, it is “all for the children”.  Is it truly “for the children”?  Society has given us such a skewed picture of what “the perfect Christmas” should look and be like, and we have given ourselves such high standards to meet, but along the way we are losing the joy. The miracle of the season.  We are so busy trying to MAKE everything perfect, that we are forgetting to stop and appreciate what is ALREADY perfect.

I think all of us are forgetting what we remember most about our Christmases as children. Do any of us remember every ornament on the tree being perfect? All the wrapping paper matching? 12 types of cookies on the table??

I know I don’t! What I remember the most about Christmas……

The red elf that was one of my grandmother’s decorations (and how excited was I to find a few years ago Elf on a Shelf who was almost exactly the same, to share with my kids- turns out hers had simply been the decoration on top of a box of chocolates at one time. She liked it and kept it. ) I remember one set of grandparents always being there Christmas morning to watch us open out presents (I know realize as an adult they most likely brought most of them but that is another story). I remember going to my other grandmother’s small apartment with at least 20 of our aunts/uncles/cousins – the smell of the turkey, how full the house was but also the laughter, the card playing and the warmth that was in the room.  I remember my grandfather’s train that he lovingly, not out of anything but the joy in his heart to do it, placed under the tree every year.  I remember only a select few of my gifts.  But I do remember painstakingly choosing a porcelain ornament, from a huge box that someone was selling door to door, that my dad was allowing me to chose for my  mom for her gift.

I asked the kids the other day what they look forward to the most about Christmas. For K, it is our yearly ritual of piling in the car in our pajamas, to drive around looking at the Christmas lights and stopping to have hot chocolate on the way home.  For C, it is choosing his ornament of the year (they chose one every year to represent their interests for the year), putting the tree up and “seeing the expressions on people’s faces when they open their gifts”.  Man, I love these two.

We need to SLOW DOWN!

Have a glass of wine. Sit in front of the lit tree in the dark and take stock of our blessings.

What matters is foot-y pajama’d babes fresh from a bath, asking for a story. Sweet little voices singing in Christmas pageants. Do you think anyone there will remember that you brought store bought cookies?  Encouraging them to chose a gift for a loved one or perhaps for a child they don’t even know, all the while explaining the love of Christmas. Spending time as a family one afternoon, making a mess with flour and sugar to make cut out cookies or decorate gingerbread.  To take time to drive slowly and look at the lights on the street.  Slow down. Take stock of really matters. Pare down.

Christmas is not about the stuff. The doing.

Steven Curtis Chapman has it right…

“'Cause Christmas is all in the heart, that's where the feeling starts
And like a fire inside, it touches every part
'Cause Christmas is all in the heart
And even if no white snow falls, that's all right because
The joy can still be found, wherever you are
'Cause Christmas is all, all in the heart”

My most favorite tradition – right now anyway – is the first night after the tree is up. Sir Fartsalot and I always always always, turn off all the lights after the kids go to bed, and just sit there. Looking, talking, remembering Christmases past, talking about just anything,

just BEING together in the light.

Basking also in the light that came to this earth on a very special Christmas eve years ago.

THAT is what matters.

So much going on….

Just realized I never posted about the punching bag….

Thanksgiving….

our gourmet trip to NYC….

I have always loved the idea of living in the city, walking to get my daily groceries, and picking up fresh flowers for the table.

I said the “idea” – because you know what, I never did care for living in the city.

Fresh made cured meats at Murray’s Cheese shop. All I can say, the smell, the yum, *sigh*

Do not come between this man and his cannoli!

My cooking class… no pictures of that…but man, yummy memories!

Putting the tree up….

and lord knows what else in the last few weeks….

Oh yeah, gingerbread houses…..

Yes, those are the 3D glasses from Tangled earlier in the day. They popped the lenses out and wore them most of the night. Why? Don’t ask me!

and K and I are heading back to NYC tomorrow with my sister to spend the day! My first trip without a bus or organized group. Should be fun!! We are taking the ferry and have ALL day.  

I really need to catch up!

Just because…..

….I have no words lately…..

I spin posts in my head……think, I should write this or that….

than I sit down and got nothing…..

so instead, post cute pictures or adorable dogs!

Shameless Copy Cat…..

And because I couldn’t have said it better myself…..

From one of my favorite blogs…

www.coalcreekfarm/com

This, however , is one of MY children…not hers!

So, you want children?

Okay, but try this first.

• Go to bed, get all comfy and warm….have the fire alarm go off unpredictably all night.  Repeat this every night for at least 17 years.
• Take a bucket full of vomit and dump it in the back seat of your car, on your couch, all over your carpets, splash it down the front of your clothes and then put a few drops in the toilette.
• Take another bucket of vomit and soak all the bedding, towels, your clothes, your neighbor’s clothes and the cat in it until you have enough laundry to fill the entire house and keep you washing until the the next round of vomit…which will occur right after you make up all the beds with clean sheets.
• Okay, now you’re going to need some urine….put it in a spray bottle and have fun.
• Grab a couple of puppies, set them loose in your living room…leave the house for a few days.  They will simulate what a couple of kids can do to a room in a few minutes.
• Take a few of your precious collectibles and smash them to bits.
• Stain all your shirts with blood, paint, boogers…whatever is in the fridge.
• Cut a tiny hole in your curtains.
• Get a permanent marker…get to coloring!  Walls, floors, furniture, the entire world is your canvas.
• Buy all the Lego’s you can find in the world along with Matchbox cars, Barbie shoes, hair bows, tiny socks, candy wrappers, McDonald’s french fries, Goldfish crackers, Crayons and crushed granola bars: mix up in a tub and freely sprinkle the contents in your vehicle, garage, yard, under your bed, in your bed, under the cushions of your couch and every corner in your house….make sure you stand over floor vents and drop handfuls.
• Have a friend hide your shoes, all of them.  Wait until you’re ready to go to an important event to try to find them.
• Go on a long trip with a very loud and emotional person who will talk and cry and scream for the entire trip except for the quick nap they took right before you had to pull over to get gas…which caused them to wake up and be extremely irritable.
• When you stop to eat at a nice restaurant your travel companion tells you they forgot their shoes.
• Find a store to buy them some shoes.
• They will lose those shoes at some point during the trip and you will buy them three more pairs of shoes that are so ugly and cheap that you’re embarrassed to be with the person.
• They never lose the ugly shoes, they wear them everyday much to your dismay.
• Have someone call you to tell you they forgot their lunch at least three or four times a week.
• Put a sparkly unicorn sticker on the rear of your jeans and wear them in public all day.
• Take something sharp and scratch the crap out of your vehicle.
• Throw away three billion 5 dollar bills because that is what your children will need for this thing and that event and blah, blah, blah.
• Say the following every single day, “Put your shoes away. Pick up your jacket.  Eat your dinner. Pick up your toys. Flush the toilette.  Be nice to your brother.  Stop talking.  Listen to me.  Be quiet.  STOP!  NO!  We’ll see.  Maybe.  Go get your shoes.  Find your shoes.  Where are your shoes.  Why?  Go ask your father.  STOP IT!  I said NO! What did Mommy say?”  add a please and thank you occasionally until you realize it’s just a waste of your breath.
• Load and unload the dishwasher at least three times a day.
• Buy enough groceries to last a month, take them home.  Invite a teenager to come over and help himself to any food in the house.
• Go back to the grocery store…invite teenager….go back to the grocery store…invite teenager….
• Yell at a wall that it needs to get its room cleaned, wait for a response.  Yell some more.  Walk away defeated that the wall will never clean its room.
• Hope that the wall will move out of your house someday and have twenty of their own walls that never do anything you ask them to do.

If you can smile at the end of all of this…go start a family.