In which I wallow…..

Oh yeah.

My blog.

 

Let’ s put my frame

of mind into reference -

my camera has not been out of the bag since Halloween.

Yeah.

Two full weeks ago.

All year, I have wrestled and fought against the wallowing.

The last year, since last fall, have been challenging to say the least.

Starting with my finally starting appropriate therapy for my hip and leg as a result of the accident the year before…..

The first hint of K’s melt downs and depression, in which I let everyone convince me was “normal teenage crap”….

Sir Fartsalot got his first new job in 20 years,

I took on a second job in November, and worked both for the next few months…..

Sir Fartsalot “suprises” me with yet another new job change I think it was in March, I don’t quite remember.

Along with that comes another new insurance, etc.

K starts cutting and having more melt downs in I think April….

So by May I was getting used to my new job, when I finally did leave home care completely. So totally new job change for me,

I was adjusting to working two nights a week, managing melt downs on my cell phone in the storage room if I wasn’t home for one, taking K to therapy one night a week and still trying to finish up my weight loss group one night a week.

yeah, I know, many many women do it, and do it well…..

Frankly, I started unraveling at the seams. But fought it.

The end of school came, I graduated from weight group and finally had an extra night to be home….

Disney came and went, Relay came and went, 4th of July and my nephew moving in….nothing I wouldn’t do again in a heart beat…but I did not anticipate how much would change….

and the rest of the summer is a blur.

K’s meltdowns escalate when school starts again and we finally see the adolescent psychiatrist we waited 5 months to see…..with frustrating results so far.

I am running out of steam. Finding meds that work is not going well. Side effects are horrific.

Nightmares, melt downs, rage episodes from one medicine. Wanting to sleep constantly from another.

I haven’t scrapbook since  the winter. I can’t clear my head enough to relax to do it.

Spending time together over the summer has kept us all sane I think. Trying to make some fun, and choosing to focus on that has helped.  It is getting harder and harder though. If we don’t’ find some relief for her soon, I fear I may need some medication too. we walk on egg shells anticipating the melt downs,and then there are glimpses of the old K, the smiles and bounciness,  the happy forced family fun days, that lull us into thinking things are getting better, than wham things hit me in the face again.

I wrote this post nearly exactly two years ago. I could write it again today I guess.

I have discovered who needs me for what I can do for them, and who needs me just for me.  There are a lot of days I just have no more to give and no energy for dealing with anything outside the four walls of my house. The urge to cocoon myself at times in incredible.

To say this has not been an easy year, is an understatement. I have tried to write a gratitude post on Facebook every day this month, to refocus  on the positive of my struggles. Maybe I should repost them here with some pictures. My struggles are no worse than anyone else’s, but they are mine. As I can never attest to knowing how anyone else feels, no one else can say they know how I feel, or how I should or should not deal with things.  But there are plenty giving their opinions that is for sure. (If one more person tells me I just “need some time to myself” – I will scream. Because you know what? I can’t relax enough to enjoy it,and when I get home, it is all still here) And there is no one that truly knows everything we have been through this year. There is a lot K has asked me not to share and I have to respect that.  Sir Fartsalot has tried so much to find happy fun things to do and is sending me on a gourmet food tour sunday, in which I asked him to join me, so we can spend some time doing something fun together, alone. That may help a bit.

There is a lot of happy in this year too.  And to those memories I cling, knowing we will again, find some balance. I am looking so forward to the “new” year and the promise of renewal and change. But I don’t want to wish away the holiday season either. Thanksgiving plans are already changed from our “usual”, much to Sir Fartsalot dismay and the family I was hoping to see, and made the arrangements to see, can now not be here. Yet another disappointment in the year.

There you have it, my 5 minutes in which  I allow myself to wallow.

Onward and upward, where else is there to go? Hopefully, I will unwrap myself soon.