Mother's Day emotion

Me and my Mother's Day "card"-boards from the kids.

C had but "to the best mom I know" - but crossed it out and changed it to "in the world" -
They had disappeared downstairs Sat afternoon and were all secretive about what was going on down there and I was forbidden to enter. Then at my Mother's Day dinner (I hate going out on Mother's Day so I announced that I was not cooking Sat night and no one had any choice but to go out) - anyway they kept telling me I was getting the best cards ever.....
I did.
I Love them.

Until, later that morning.....when J had gotten his work clothes on and headed outside.
K. came to me with a sad face, and felt the need to apologize to me because they didn't have any presents to give me, because Daddy promised to take them yesterday, and never did. I guess when she saw him getting his clothes on today to work in the yard, she realized they weren't going today either.
Now - I hope someday when the kids remember this day or read this blog note, they will realize how much work a marriage can take on a day to day basis.
I always said I would keep things real here, and I am.
Anyone who knows me for any number of years, knows that a common argument and theme in our marriage is that J is not the best at planning ahead, getting gifts, or making big deal out of *special* days. We have argued about it, I have shed many tears, including my very first mother's day ever when I got nothing, not even a card. But over the years it has had to be something I have just had to accept about him, and for the most part I do.
Mother's Day morning, he offered to go to Dunkin Donuts and get me coffee and a bagel, I declined, but the offer was there. I had my dinner out with them the night before and ice cream and a nice night together. I was fine with that.
I had made up my mind I was not going to get my hopes up and I was going to enjoy the day as it came.
Until, my daughter came to me with tears in her eyes, and a heavy heart.
I broke.
I got very upset.
His carelessness had affected and hurt the kids. Even though I loved my hand made cards, and had said so, to them that was not enough.
I do not deserve the Best Mom ever alcolades they gave me, because instead of instilling a lesson right then and there, I got mad. I not so gently reminded them that sometimes Daddy doesn't think, and it is something they are going to have to learn to deal with when it comes to them...etc...you get the drift.
I called J outside to ask basically, what the f---?
Well - another thing anyone that knows me for any period of time knows is that my dh is a work-a-holic - again a source of much angst in our marriage - when he gets a bee in his bonnet that something is going to get done, he will not stop, and I am not exaggerating , literally not stop, for hours, work himself into the ground to get it done...often at the expense of the kids and I.
Yesterday it was them. The mulching came first.
His own imagined deadline more important.
I am a grown up, I can rationalize it, deal with it, and have had years to learn to deal with it. They have not.
Because the kids were hurt I got mad.
I remember how excited I used to get as a kid, when I had a gift for my mom, and even my dad, and the anticipation of giving it them and the happiness I felt. He was robbing them of that.
He claims he never remembers anything of the sort from his childhood, and was sure he didn't ever have anything special to give his mom, ever.
I seriously doubt it.
But anyway.......
He got wrapped up in the mulching and weeding Saturday and just "forgot" and "ran out of time" for taking the kids out. Even though they were out to Jake's flea market in the morning - but I guess it's my fault for discouraging them from chosing anything for me at the flea market.
So when I pointed out to him that they were sad, and how could he not take them, they can't take themselves, they rely on him. They are not in preschool anymore, and don't have teachers having them make my gifts - no more macaroni necklaces. They didn't pest him and ride him all day, they waited patiently, and when it became evident that they were not going, my wonderful industrious children headed to the basement and did the best they could with what they had.
Man I love them.
But J's answer to the whole situation was to immediately change his clothes and charge off to the mall. NOT what I wanted at all. And when I pointed that out to him that that was not the point, he was happy to tell me that the kids were delighted to go, and jumped right up out of their chairs when he told them they were going to the mall. Well no DUH, they were desperate to get me a gift! So before I could say a word, off they went.
I thought about my reaction after they left. I had to sit down and talk to them when they got back.
They were so excited when they got back to reach into their bags and throw at me what it was that they bought.
So I gently took each of their gifts, and cookbook from K and a huge book of crossword puzzles from C. My children know me well.
I took them aside and sat down, explained to them that I should not have gotten upset, but when they were hurt I was hurt. Reminded them that Daddy works hard for all of us, and that is something we have to love and accept about him. Also reminded them that Daddy's lesson of racing off to the mall, just to grab something they could give me was also not what I wanted them to learn. They understood, thankfully.
I then went to J ate a huge piece of crow, apologized for losing my temper, but not for being hurt.
He says, "I know you like your card in the morning" - but still knowing that couldn't plan one day ahead, and proceeded to make a list of excuses, and he was "getting around to taking them" today - even though he once again started working in the yard.......he can not seem to understand how that may hurt me....that I am not important enough to plan ONE FREAKIN day ahead.....
I am an adult, I know his way of telling me he cares and loves me has been the hard work he has put into the new flower beds, but the kids don't understand all of that yet.
He hurt them and that hurt me.
So last night at 10 pm he finally makes a big to do out of handing me my card from him, and was then surprised that I did not suddenly jump up and get all excited. I mean geesh..why bother at that point......says he wanted to wait til we were alone, but there was not one romantic gesture in how he did it. He could have handed the card to me in the middle of a crowded room with how he acted and no one would even have known what was going on.
It was a sweet card, about wishing he was the type of guy who was more romantic and could sweep me off my feet more. He is a wonderful caring smart hard working man. But there are times he can be so dense it kills me. My point is, stop wishing and just do it!
I suppose I was just supposed to at that point throw my arms around him and be "all better" - and here comes the marriage lesson for my kids.
Even though I was not ready to do that last night, I will be.
That is where the work comes into it.
You make decisions every day in a marriage.
After all these years, J is not going to change.
So I must.
One of the frustrating things for me is that I am typically the one that has to adjust.
But I have to make those choices.
And one reason I still let it get to me, is that one time I am going to hope and pray he is the one that tries harder just once. I reminded him that "I'm sorry" does not instantly make it "all better" and give him carte blanche to not even try ever again.
But I have to decide, adjust, come to terms with it, or make myself miserable.
Is it worth unhappiness and resentment?
Somethings are I am sure, this is not.
In the grand scheme of things, this is a drop, not a down pour. I try to be grateful for the other 100 wonderful things about him, no matter how much this 1 hurts me at times.
I am not saying there are not some things in a marriage that can not be adjusted to, there are. Many many things.
Thankfully I don't deal with those things.
But this is where the work comes in. Compromise.
Something I think is lacking in so many of our self centered society. Neither partner is willing to compromise on ANYTHING.....there is no way you can have a happy marriage without it.
I will compromise and settle for what is, but I will also continue to hope and pray that someday I will be pleasantly surprised by some thoughtfulness on J's part that makes me feel special and loved. It will be even more special when it happens because I know what an effort it will be for him to do it.
That will make all the tears worth it.