My home

This is what the front of the house looks like right now. Much more vivid in real life.

I remember driving into the driveway yesterday afternoon and just thinking about how happy this makes me. Little did I know major frustration awaited me inside. Thank goodness for that moment. It makes me sad that is will only look like this maybe another week. And there will be that blah period between spring flowers and when the perennials come in. I have added a ton of colro in pots on the deck and porch so that will help in the interum.

I was not going to come here and dump my frustration from last night, but it keeps nagging at me...so I will. I promised myself I would be honest here so when I go back and read it a year from now I will remember how ridiculous I was at times!

It is mid-term. need I say more? after being so elated last quarter of how well K was doing...and she did have her best quarter yet this year last quarter (even though we saw a distinct downward spiral the second half of the quarter) well it seems that spiral has continued. Social studies and english have become the bain of our existence. She risks failing both, and if she does not do well in SS , she will be in summer school. My good hearted, sweet kid will be in summer school. I couldn't help it. I lost it. We have worked so hard to give her every ounce of help we can possibly give. She has come INCREDIBLY far with her biofeedback and therapy, her anxiety is worlds better, she is so much calmer and in our eyes doing so much better than ever before, YET we continue to not see her be able to succeed in certain areas of school. We are not looking for A's, and perfect scores. Simply a consistent average performance. The fact that that keeps escaping us, is killing me. I am a problem solver. I need to know why. I want so much for her. There is so much I know will be out of her reach if her grades are not better. Many school priviledges are based on your grades. She is not a discpline challenge. I am told she is a pleasure to have in class. Yet, there are things she won't be permitted to do simply because of her grades. But I digress.

So as I sat and took a moment of self pity last night, I tried as hard as I could to give it up to God. I have major difficulty with that. Other areas not so much, but giving this up to God and letting Him to take care of it, is tough. Slowly over the evening as I prayed to myself about it, and thought about it, I slowly let is creep in that we are doing everything we can. There are just some things that are going to be up to her, that extra effort that may be required. I don't know if that is it or not. But I have to maintain my confidence in all the decisions we have made up to this point. Otherwise I will drive myself crazy, and believe me that is a short trip.

Then I was reading the paper and there was a letter to a psychologist - and basically his point was in this day and age (and I hope I get this out right ) are parent's just not satisfied with "good enough" anymore? Is it so drilled into our heads how magnificant our children have to be, that raising a polite curteous, socially conscious child isn't good enough if they are not a straight A student? His point was there are plenty of "good enough" kids that go on to do great things and be good people.
Prayer does work. It is what I needed to hear. No- it does not mean I will give up on K. and throw everything to the wind and let it be. I will continue to stick to the strategies that we have instituted, and the decisions we have made, but have to give myself permission and the peace of heart to know that maybe for now that has to be good enough. I have to believe it will all work out. My daughter is a caring beautiful well behaved respectable child. That has to matter for something.

God knows I would be eternally grateful if this is the most challenging thing we ever have to deal with in our children's lives. Doesn't make dealing with it on the day to day any easier, but I have to keep perspective.

I have not yet returned to that happy heart that I had driving into the driveway admiring my flowers yesterday, but I am getting there.