Maintenance

Yeah, well, your 40’s.

I am a good two years in.

I have accepted the fact that certain clothing styles are just not going to happen for me anymore, but mom jeans will never grace my closet….

But this?

I am relating more to the old people parent figures in all my favorite tv shows recently, and rolling in the aisles at the 80’s pop culture references that surface – wine coolers on Modern Family!! I mean, seriously our favorite “alcohol” of choice in 1985!!

Not that I ever indulged in alcoholic beverages before the age of 21, and I am simply going on the experience of, um, a friend. yeah.  Sir Fartsalot though had expensive tastes even then, as he preferred the most expensive Bartles and James. Let’s just be clear, he was “of age” and did get the stuff totally legally – honest!

Thank goodness maturity has brought us to a nice cabernet now!

I usually prided myself in the fact that I am not real vain. I like to look nice but usually once I am finished in front of the mirror in the morning, I  don’t “primp” later. I now find myself slowing down in the Olay Regenerist aisle and thinking that maybe that $25 tube may be on to something.

I am not to proud to say I knew without a shadow of a doubt I would be coloring my hair. Was very proud of the fact that I had hit 40, with just a few stray greys…..

How is it that hitting 40 seems to have kicked those suckers into high gear?? Well, 2cnd gear anyway, as I am sure I am exaggerating just a bit.

But let’s see what I didn’t expect….

The chin hair? I mean, seriously!? The moustache and uni-brow are not enough? I have to start sprouting wiring dark black, old lady chin hair?  You know those poor Polish grandmothers old ladies you see, sporting a goatee and lip-stache? yeah, I will be one of those when I no longer care enough or am too blind to see them any longer! Just in time, to match my son’s chin and upper lip hair! Guess C and I can have a bonding moment over a razor!

Insomnia.

Pu-leeze! I have not slept more than 5 hours a night, if that in months!  Benadryl and the couch are my best friends at the moment.

And what happened to my muscle tone?? Honestly!

The pain in my right big toe, that I could swear is gout, but is “probably just arthritis” – oh yeah, that is so much better! “Sensible shoes” will never ever enter my wardrobe, thus enter the never ending search for cute comfortable shoes!

Starting my on-line classes have made my failing vision all the more apparent. The sudden need to squint at the computer screen and  slow down a bit to “browse” the “readers” display at CVS are a telltale sign that it won’t be long until I am sporting a pair of readers, let’s hope they won’t be a on a chain! I do have to maintain some dignity! A quick web search revealed to me that “nerd glasses” are the new hip thing, so maybe I will get me a pair of those!

Now that I have just painted such a gorgeous picture of myself, perhaps we should broach the subject of how dangerous it can be to sneeze while standing, and God forbid, with a full bladder!!

Really? You don’t want to go there?

Well, honestly – I don’t either!