Sometimes…….

Things just suck.

Period.

I rarely use that word. But it fits.

When I took this picture, I just thought it was a cool perspective in the corn maze. Until, K commented on it, when I posed it to Facebook.

“shows how very lonely i feel”

Depression, sucks.

Depression has plagued me and many in my family for years and years. I believe if you look in the dictionary for the definition of depression, you will in fact see a picture of my biological father. Both parents tried to commit suicide when I was younger, I dealt with my own depression after my mom’s passing, and my siblings have also dealt with it, or continue to deal with it. In conversations with my aunt recently also found out my grandfather had battled it, and I knew he self medicated with alcohol, but also HIS father did in fact succeed in ending his life.

So, yeah, depression is there.

Why I ever thought it could escape my family, I have no idea. Hope I guess. Stupidity. I don’t know.

Or maybe I ever thought it would escape us, maybe I was just waiting for it to arrive.

Anyone who knows me well, I have been candid about my own “pretending”, and knows K, or has read this blog long enough, knows this kid has struggled most of her life. The first two years I started writing here, are rife with stories of struggles in elementary school and fitting in and her ADD, as well as anxiety.  To put it bluntly, it has all been horrible for her, and she left elementary school with, without exaggeration, no friends, and obviously more scars than I saw.

She is a fun, silly, beautiful kid who was dealt a raw hand.

we have done everything we could at each stage to help. We did the biofeedback in Jr. High and she finally started to make friends and keep friends, and things seemed to be chugging along.

Last fall, the melt downs started. I let someone convince me it was just “normal teenage girl stuff” – and I guess in the average family that could be an explanation.  I know the statistics of ADD kids and depression, why I let myself be convinced I don’t know.

But in spring, a whole new dimension was added with more melt downs and the start of the hurting herself. So, we started seeing a therapist and got our FIVE MONTH appt for an adolescent psychiatrist. So the roller coaster ride goes. Up and down, up and down. She seemed to be doing better over the summer – usually does without the stress of school – like I did when I was depressed, she has mastered the art of pretending. She does admit to many many days of actually feeling good, she loves our forced family fun days, and says she feels happiest and most secure when we are all together. But life can not be an endless string of planned happy events.

After we finally saw the specialist, she seemed to think her ADD may have just been anxiety or at least  aggravated by it. Her medicine seemed to help initially and I let myself get lulled into the sense that things were better. Yes, the hurting herself has stopped – but when we sat down and talked about her comment the other night it became glaringly evident that she is not better. she still harbors the anxiety of everyone hating her in elementary school, still walks around school thinking about it. That broke my heart. She has come so far since then and is not that kid anymore, but she still carries all of that around inside. She still has trouble trusting her friends to be “real” friends. That scared little girl is still in there and refuses to go away.

when your child sits in front of you telling you she feels empty, unemotional  and she is tired of feeling this way, your heart breaks into a zillion pieces.  And that is only a fraction of the feelings she shared with me.

Fortunately, she also knows we love her and support her and are trying our best to help her. She has up days, and weeks really, that are wonderful. What she then dreads is the return of the sadness. She told me yesterday that she almost does not  want the up days anymore, since returning to the sadness is even harder then. I thank God that we are close enough that she can share with me, and we can get the help she needs.  I also thank God He has made her strong enough to continue to fight it rather than give in, withdraw and allow it to control her life. She still tries to get up and smile every day. For that I am so grateful.

It has been a rough year for us. Adding more family time helps tremendously. Trying to simplify for us has helped too. she has a wonderful job that she does enjoy and those friendships have helped to buoy her spirit a little. But those huge shadows continue to creep in when she allows herself to feel better. And we are getting the medical help she needs. It is not an easy road though. Never a straight path.

We are not the first family to navigate this road. But that does not diminish our experience,  it is our family’s experience, no one else’s.  It affects all of us, whether J will admit it or not. There are days I can think of nothing else. I try hard not to worry, but do. And there are days you feel like no one understands.

You feel as a parent sometimes you have to stand up and convince everyone how awesome your kid is. she has such potential, all of her teachers see it. She is fun, and silly, and creative and has a heart of gold. She is such a wonderful giving caring person.

This was not fake. This was honest to goodness true happiness and feeling good. She is in there. We just have to find her again. She CAN be happy. The trick right now is how we find it and get it to stay. In the meantime, we cry, we share, we spend time together.

“God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” ~~ unknown

There are some days this is the only thing that gets me through.